


Atychiphobia

by ceraxxxx



Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TV 2003), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types
Genre: Am I doing this right?, Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, Family, Gen, How Do I Tag, Hurt/Comfort, My First AO3 Post, Tooth-Rotting Family Fluff, Unapologetic Leo Whump
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-24
Updated: 2020-04-12
Packaged: 2021-03-01 03:47:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 32,986
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23298805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ceraxxxx/pseuds/ceraxxxx
Summary: The fear of not doing something right or not being good enough.Leonardo had been struggling without anyone knowing ever since they defeated the Utrom Shredder. But even then, there was one thing he knew for sure. He would do anything to keep his family safe.Anything.---Based on the 2003-series, set somewhere between 'Exodus' and 'Samurai Tourist'.
Comments: 25
Kudos: 93





	1. Atychiphobia

**Author's Note:**

> I swear this is the only long A/N that I'm going to have.
> 
> Hi, hello, welcome, I just wanted to say a couple of things before getting to the actual fic. I used to write fanfiction several years ago, and while I never intended to stop writing, I lost the spark at some point and just wasn't able to continue. But then back in January I decided to revisit the TMNT-series, and absolutely fell in love with it and after I ran out of the fics to read, I felt like I still wasn't satisfied and soon found myself writing again. It's been an emotional roller-coaster for me, but overall I have been enjoying writing this so so much, you have no idea. Honestly, this fic means a lot to me and I really appreciate that you even considered reading it.
> 
> So while this is my first TMNT-fic, this is also my first fic in years, AND the first fic I'm publishing here on Ao3. I also feel like I haven't written that many fics in English, but I can't remember for sure. How exciting. That being said, I'd really appreciate some feedback. If there's anything you want to say, don't be afraid to tell.
> 
> One last thing. I want to give some credit for my friend Jay, who has been constantly supporting me throughout this whole process. She encouraged me to write, was willing to listen to and help me whenever I felt like I was stuck, and even read through this before I published it. This fic wouldn't exist without her. Thank you for all your help, it means a lot to me.
> 
> Thanks for listening, now to the fic.
> 
> \-----
> 
>  **WARNING:** Includes some mental health issues. Stay safe.

**Chapter 1 - Atychiphobia**  
_Fear of failure; fear of not being good enough_

“ _Britney, I’m in love with your sister._ ”

“ _But Tom, I don’t have a sister!_ ”

“ _Yes you do, your father told me right before I killed him. You know her, she is your best friend, Ashley._ ”

“ _But Tom, I’m in love with you!_ ”

“Why would anyone watch something like this?” Michelangelo couldn’t help but wonder out loud, as he watched the events unfold on the tv-screen in front of him.

“Maybe it’s the constant plot twists that keep the watchers hooked?” Donatello suggested while working on some gadget. “I suppose they can be pretty thrilling.”

“More like pretty mind meltin’ if ya ask me,” Raphael, who had just returned from their garage, muttered.

“My sons, as ninjas, you have acquired the skill to remain silent,” Master Splinter told them sternly, his eyes not leaving the screen even for a second. “Use it.”

The sounds of the tv ended abruptly.

The silence was quickly replaced with a tune of a local news broadcast. Splinter’s slight disappointment of his favourite show being interrupted soon faded, as the person on the screen reported of an emergency in New York. This gained the full attention of all of the turtles, even Leonardo, who had been training on his own near the others.

“-- _these robots have been deemed highly dangerous, and everyone in the area are encouraged to stay safe and inside until the robots have been captured or destroyed by the authorities. Three robots are currently roaming the streets after successfully robbing_ \--”

“That’s not far from here…” Don muttered, eyes glued to the shaky civilian footage that was displayed on the screen. These robots were big, much taller than any normal human, and looked absolutely vicious. Sharp teeth, glowing red eyes, shooting something that looked like lasers.

“Don’t they look kinda familiar?” Mikey wondered when one of the robots ran towards the civilian filming them. The footage was cut after a very close look of the sharp teeth.

Don made the connection first.

“Like Stockman’s Mousers!”

“But with a heavy upgrade…” Raph added. “Ya think someone’s tryin’ to copy him or something?”

“Not sure…” Don said, walking to his workstation to access his computer. Soon he had pulled up pictures of both the old Mousers that Stockman had built a while, and the ones currently terrorising people in New York. “I mean, they do look very similar, but I would like to get a closer look to be sure.”

“So is it a field trip time? Should we go and check them out?” Mikey glanced at Leo. He was the leader after all.

“No,” Leo answered. “Not yet at least. It’s broad daylight, and there are too many people there. We could be seen. We can go later and try to find something useful.”

“Ya really think there will be anythin’ there anymore if we go there at night?” Raph tried to argue, feeling annoyed by the decision. He would have preferred to go there already, now that they had a better chance to catch something, and maybe join the action.

“That’s our only option, and that’s what we _will_ do,” Leo answered. His voice had a hint of aggression, which had become a bit too familiar for everyone else during the last couple of months. Raph was getting sick of it.

“But everythin’ will be already cleaned up by the time we get there! It’ll be useless at that point to even go anywhere!”

“We can’t go yet! Do you understand that there are police officers there, civilians, so many people that could see us? We have to lay low until the situation is over!” Leo was looking straight into Raph’s eyes, standing straight and ready to take anything that Raph would throw his way.

“We are _ninjas_ , we know how to avoid bein’ seen! Seriously Leo, the sooner we get there the better!”

“No! We will wait until night and then go, we are not taking the risk!”

“Oh but riskin’ findin’ nothin’ is okay?”

“That’s not the point here! Why won’t you just listen to me, even once?!”

“‘Cause ya ain’t makin’ any sense here!” Raph yelled. He was feeling angry at Leo again, and couldn’t care less that this was their fifth fight this week, or that the rest of his family shifted uncomfortably behind the two arguing turtles.

“I am!” Leo seemed to have had enough as well. “I’m thinking about what is the best option here! I’d much rather miss the robots than risk us being see-”

“Who says that we would be seen?! We can be careful, we have been out durin’ daylight _multiple_ times and no one has ever seen us!”

“We also haven’t been anywhere with this many people before! Honestly Raph, this is the best plan that we’ve got!”

“That’s the only plan ya decided to agree with! We need a better plan!”

“There is no better plan!”

“Well maybe we need a better _leader_ who has better plans!”

Adrenaline was surging in Raph’s veins after the insult. From the changed expression on Leo’s face he could tell that he had hit a nerve, and Raph couldn’t help but feel a little bit satisfied. He hadn’t really meant what he said, he had just spurted it out in the heat of the moment, but he was still angry enough to ignore the guilt he was feeling.

The lair was completely silent now. Leo swallowed.

“We will go out at night,” he said, voice noticeably more quiet and shaky than before. “End of discussion.”

The oldest turtle turned and left. After a while, the others could hear his room’s door slam shut.

Raph remained standing for a while. He could hear his father and two other brothers return to do whatever it was they had been doing before. He really wanted to go out to get some fresh air, sort out his head a little, but Raph knew that if he left now, he would receive Leo’s fury the second he returned, and that situation could get incredibly messy. So no leaving, not for fresh air, not for the robots.

He was starting to get tired of all the fighting.

“Your brother is right,” Splinter’s soft voice came from behind Raph. “It would be very risky to go out right now. And besides, this will allow Donatello to have more time to do more preliminary research.” He glanced at the genius, who seemed to be researching the Mousers to the best of his ability with what little he already had.

Raph huffed grumpily. Of course Leo was right.

\---

When the darkness had fallen, the four turtles headed to their garage to get the Battle Shell. It would have to be left a bit further away from where they were heading since the area was still secured by barricades, but it was better than walking back all the way while carrying any pieces of the robots they would hopefully find. 

It took them about ten minutes to get as close to the place as possible, and Don, who had been driving, parked the Battle Shell to an alleyway. The turtles headed to the rooftops to close the distance, invisible in the darkness.

The last sighting of the robots had been hours ago. Two of the robots had been destroyed on the site while the remaining one had fled the scene, and hadn’t been seen since. The area had been deemed safe by the authorities after making sure there were no more robots around, and some of the remains of the incident had been cleaned up. But people were still avoiding the area of utter destruction, meaning that the ninjas would have no difficulties avoiding being seen.

The building the robots had broken into had been completely torn apart. After successfully taking everything valuable with them, the robots had turned to attack the building, which had collapsed in the aftermath. Clearly not satisfied, the robots had then attacked the lingering bystanders, urging the police to take them down.

34 people injured. No one dead.

Yet.

The four turtles stood on the top of the adjacent building for a while, looking down at the destruction before making their way down.

“Let’s look around. If you find anything, let the others know,” Leo ordered, and the others obliged.

Time passed. Each of the turtles were digging through the rubble, trying to find anything salvageable. Most of the remains had been cleaned up already, but they were hopeful that one robot carcas would have been buried underneath the remains of the building.

Finally, Mikey got lucky.

“Guys, I think I hit the jackpot!”

The others gathered around their youngest brother, who had just lifted a large piece of a wall from the pile he was going through. Underneath it was a slightly crushed head of a robot, almost as big as their shells.

“Don, you think it’s still active?” Leo questioned.

“I don’t think so, no,” Don answered, and kneeled to take a closer look. “It’s damaged enough that it doesn’t work anymore, look, it’s separated from the rest of the body,” he pointed at the neck of the robot, “but I think that I’m able to draw some sort of conclusions from it. But we need to take it back to the lair so I can take it apart.”

“Good thing we got the Battle Shell then,” Raph muttered. “It would’ve been a pain in the shell to carry that all the way back.”

But first they had to get the head back to the van. After Mike and Don had been able to dig it up fully, the head turned out to be surprisingly light, and Mikey was able to carry it all the way to the van. It was put in the back, and soon they were on their way back to the lair.

“Pretty weird that they missed something as major as a robot head, huh?” Mikey wondered while they were on their way. “Pretty convenient for us though, so I’m not complaining!”

After they had once again descended to the lair with their elevator, the turtles all headed towards Donatello’s workbench. The head of the robot was set down on the table, and Don immediately reached for his tools and started taking it apart.

“So uh… Need any help?” Raph tried to offer, but Don shook his head.

“No thanks, I’m sorry but I feel like you guys would do more harm than good when it comes to this process. I’d rather work alone.”

“Yeah it’s better to keep Raph as far away as possible,” Mikey added, faking seriousness. “Who knows what he would do to that poor thing!”

“Hey! Listen to me ya smartass, I happen to know how to handle a wrench pretty well! I’m sure I could be helpful!”

Neither Leo or Don were really paying attention to the bickering turtles anymore. While Leo just stood further away and was quietly observing the remains of the robot they had found, Don was focused on taking the head apart, determined to find something useful that would give them more answers.

Eventually Don was left to work alone. It was late, and Donnie knew that he should probably try to get some sleep soon as well, but the mystery of robots kept him going for many more hours. It wasn’t like he hadn’t pulled all-nighters before, working on some interesting projects, and the robots needed to be stopped as soon as possible. Don would happily sacrifice his sleep for a good cause like that.

\---

“I was able to find some interesting things about the robots,” Donatello informed his brothers the next morning while walking to his desk. “First of all, they do share a strong resemblance with the old Mousers. The basic build is practically the same, but like Raph said yesterday, they have been heavily upgraded. These new Mousers seem to be stronger and more dangerous. I only have the head of this thing, but let me tell you, those teeth could do some serious damage in a very short amount of time.”

He was showing a rough blueprint that he had been able to create based on his findings during the night, pointing at the incredibly sharp teeth in the robot’s mouth.

“But while it does really seem like these were maybe created based on the old Mousers, the materials used on the robot are very... cheap, almost like scrap material. That’s something that Stockman never did, he always used the best materials around, so this doesn’t... feel like something he would do. It could easily be someone who has just somehow gotten a hold of his old blueprints of the Mousers or something.”

“But like, isn’t Stockman dead?” Mikey asked, only to see three pairs of eyes looking at him incredulously. “...Right. Probably not.”

“We haven’t seen him since the day we fought the ol’ Shred-Head, who knows what he's up to,” Raph noted. Leo tensed a little.

“So you can’t say who it is?” Leo asked, turning back to Don. The younger turtle couldn’t help but notice an accusatory tone in his brother’s voice.

“I… No,” he answered. “I… I tried my best, but there was nothing I could trace back, and-”

“You should have tried harder!” Yup, Leo’s voice was definitely accusing right now. Don turned his gaze down. He had been hearing the same thing a bunch lately.

“There was nothing else I could do. It’s not like the head someone’s signature somewhere. There’s only so much you can figure out from some pieces of metal.”

“The information was basically useless, we are still in square one,” Leo continued. Don could feel Leo’s eyes still on him, but he didn’t really want to look into them.

“Lay off, will ya?” Raph grumbled. “Don was up all night workin’ on this thing, cut him some slack.”

“You think it’s fine we still know nothing about what’s going on? People are getting hurt because of these things!” Leo turned to face Raph, crossing his arms across his plastron.

“Well it’s not Donnie’s fault, is it? If I remember right, ya were the one who insisted that we wait till night! Who knows what we would know if we had gone there earlier!”

“Guys, could you maybe just tone it down?” Mikey interrupted. “It was no one’s fault, let’s settle with that and thank Donnie for all the hard work he did! I’ll go first, thank you Donatello, you are a very cool turtle!”

Don knew that Mikey was basically just trying to defuse the situation before another fight started, but it did feel good to know that at least someone still appreciated his dedication. He smiled a bit to the younger turtle, before looking at his other two brothers, who were still glaring at each other.

Leo was the first one who had seemingly had enough. He turned around and started to walk towards his room.

“I expected more from you, Don,” he said on his way.

“...I know,” Don muttered as an answer, but Leo was already gone. Don sat down to his chair and sighed. He had known what Leo would say, but hearing it didn’t feel good. Of course he wanted to do better, but what was he supposed to do when there was nothing to be done?

“Just ignore him, Donnie,” Raph told him. “He’s just bein’ his grumpy self. Ya did good.”

“I know Raph. I’ll try to not let it get into my head.” Which was hard. But Don would try.

“You think we should try and talk to him again?” Mike wondered, leaning on Don’s desk.

“No way,” Raph replied. “We would just waste our time like the dozens of other times we tried.”

Mikey was silent for a moment. He wasn’t willing to give up just yet, but he knew that Raph had a point.

“It’s been a while, maybe he has changed his mind,” he suggested, but Raph replied with a huff.

“Does he seem like somethin’ would’ve changed? Don’t think so.”

“Unfortunately I think Raph’s right, Mikey,” Don joined the conversation. “It would just go nowhere.”

“I guess so… I just, you know, I guess I miss the old Leo.”

“Don’t we all Mikey… Don’t we all.”

\---

There was a new attack on the next day. And another two days after that.

53 more people injured.

Three were dead.

Both times the turtles had gone to the scene after the attack, trying to find something more useful. So far they had nothing more than what Don had been able to figure out from the head they had retrieved before.

When the fourth attack came, they got lucky.

\---

“Everyone keep up!” Leo yelled to the three other turtles running behind him. He was way ahead of them, jumping from a rooftop to another. Just another one of their typical exercise runs.

“We have been running for like an hour already!” Mikey yelled back. “Shouldn’t we have a break?”

He received no answer. If anything, Leo just seemed to speed up, and Mikey would have groaned if he hadn’t been so out of breath.

But soon Leo stopped.

“Oh finally!” Mikey panted when he, Raph and Don, who was holding on to his trusty duffel bag tightly, finally reached Leo. “I feel like I could collapse and take a five-hour nap right on this roo-”

“Shush!” Leo interrupted him, standing completely still.

Mikey was just about to question his brother’s rudeness, when he heard it too. Gunshots, not too far away from where they were right now.

No one needed to say anything. In unison, the turtles made their way towards the sounds, alarmed and cautious.

They arrived to a somewhat remote warehouse, and while they were unable to see anything that would cause immediate danger, they saw that the front door of the building had been completely crushed. Something had broken in.

“We should probably check that out,” Don said and looked at Leo with the others. It would be his call, as usual.

“Okay,” Leo whispered. “Raph, Don, you go see if there is another entrance and go in from there. Mikey and I will go through the front door. Be ready for anything.”

After three short nods, all four disappeared to the shadows.

Once Mikey and Leo reached the doorway they immediately noticed that there were two people lying on the ground, unconscious. Mikey approached them carefully, ready to do something if it turned out that they were awake.

“Oh look, it’s our friends, the Purple Dragon,” he whispered when he noticed the tattoos covering their bodies. “Maybe whatever broke in is on our side! ‘Cause the enemy of the enemy is a friend and all that jazz?”

“Wouldn’t count on it…” Leo muttered as an answer. “A lot of people who don’t like the Dragons don’t really like us either.”

“It’s because you guys aren’t as charismatic as I am!” Mikey turned to grin at Leo, but the other turtle has already slipped through the doorway, and Mikey quickly followed.

They made their way inside. It was a rather big, but plain warehouse, with stacks of crates everywhere. Mikey and Leo tried to hide behind them just in case there would be more Dragons inside, but it seemed like the ones who had been there were already knocked out.

“It already took care of all the guards? Like, sure, Purple Dragons aren’t usually that though, but this has to be some sort of record!” Mikey was starting to feel a little bit worried. Would the four ninjas be enough to take down whatever was roaming free in the warehouse, since at least ten Dragons, with weapons, hadn’t been enough?

Leo remained silent, keeping his eyes on the middle of the warehouse. Mikey turned his attention that way as well, and there it was, just like he had suspected. One of those giant robots, picking up crates with its mouth, swallowing them whole.

Three more Dragons were lying on its feet, but the robot seemed relatively unharmed.

“We need to stop this thing, it’s too dangerous. The less there are them around, the better,” Leo said, unsheathing his katanas.

“Sure! You got a plan?”

Leo was on the move before Mikey even had time to finish his question.

The oldest turtle was able able to attack the robot without it noticing, and sliced its body mid-jump. The katanas left wide gashes, but it seemed to have no bigger effect. The robot, the Mouser, turned towards Leonardo, screeching and trying to catch him instead of a crate with its mouth. Leo avoided the sharp teeth, and jumped on its head instead, trying to find a weak spot there.

Mikey dashed towards the robot as well, nunchakus in hand, ready to help his brother. Just then Raph and Don appeared next to him, seemingly out of nowhere, weapons in hand.

“Ya decided to start the party without us?” Raph growled before attacking the robot’s legs with his sai. The robot tried to attack both of the turtles that had lunged at it at first, but soon decided to shake its head so harshly that Leo fell off and disappeared behind a pile of crates. It then tried to bite Raphael. The turtle was just barely able to force the Mouser to keep its mouth open with his sai.

“Jeez, these things look sharp!” he exclaimed, eyeing the teeth just inches away from his face. At this point Donatello decided to join the fight after throwing his bag aside, kicking the robot further away from his brother with both of his feet. The robot stumbled and stopped for a second.

“I don’t mean to downplay our skills or anything,” Don started while hitting the robot with his bō, “but isn’t it kinda odd that this thing was able to take down all those Purple Dragons on its own, and we seem to be doing somewhat fine?”

“Maybe because it wasn’t alone? Look!” Mikey yelled.

Another Mouser was quickly approaching them from a different part of the warehouse that they hadn’t been able to see before. And this one looked stronger than the one they were already fighting.

“Ya had to ask Don!” Raphael snapped. Leo appeared from behind the crates, and had soon climbed on top of the first Mouser again. Mikey ran towards the newcomer, trying to reach its head as well, and Raph hurried after him to help.

“Look for a weak spot! They must have one!” Leo commanded, ramming his katanas to the head of the robot once again. It screeched and tried to shake Leo off its back again, but this time the turtle was tightly holding on to his katanas, still buried deep inside of the robots neck, and managed to stay on.

“Got it boss!” Mikey yelled back, jumping and managing to land on the Mousers back. He aimed a hit for its eye in hopes that it would blind the robot, but as the glass shattered on the floor, it became clear that the robot had some sort of other sensors it was able to use in order to survive. Even blind, it was easily able to locate Raph, who had to jump further away to avoid its teeth.

Mike glanced at the direction of the other Mouser. Leo had managed to still stay on the robot, but was holding on to both of his katanas, unable to do much else. Don was still on the ground, delivering stern hits with his bō while avoiding the teeth of the Mouser. Then one of his hits landed on the neck of the robot.

“Guys!” Don soon yelled. “Their necks! They seem a lot more weak!”

“Got it!” Leo answered, managing to maneuver himself back onto the Mouser properly. He yanked his katanas free, and jumped to the ground as well, aiming his katanas to the neck of the robot at the same time. The first Mouser screeched and tired to get further away from the turtles, but Leo and Don followed it, chasing it to a corner of the warehouse.

Mikey turned his attention back to the Mouser he was sitting on. The neck. He reached around the neck of the robot with his nunchaku, and when he was able to hold both of the handles again, he jumped down towards the ground, hoping to disturb the balance of the robot as he did so. 

It worked, and the Mouser stumbled a bit. Mikey stayed on the ground, still trying to hold the robot down. Raph saw his chance, and jumped against the robot as heavily as he could. The robot wobbled more, finally falling to the ground, and Raph immediately stabbed its neck with his sai. After a handful of hits the robot remained on the ground and didn’t move anymore.

Mikey rose back to his feet, feeling victorious.

“This wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be!” he beamed. “I mean, there aren’t many things that can beat the Battle Nexus champion and his loyal sideki- OOOW!”

“MIKEY!”

The three other turtles quickly turned to face their brother. Mikey was on the ground again. The Mouser hadn’t deactivated as Mikey had thought, and it had sank its teeth into his leg instead, clearly wanting to bite it off. Mike was hissing in pain, trying to get his leg free but it was impossible from his position.

Leo was the first one to move to help, but Raphael was closer. With his sai, he was able to pry open the jaws of the Mouser, not completely but enough so that Mike was able to pull his leg out from the robot’s mouth.

“Ya okay Mikey?!” Raphael hurried to help Michelangelo back up and further away from the robot.

“I… Yeah. I mean, it _hurts_ , but I’m okay. It’s gonna be fine.” The younger turtle was breathing heavily, trying to not look at his damaged leg too closely. He caught Leo looking at it intensely though.

Suddenly the oldest turtle let out an angry yell, jumped in the air, katanas ready to strike. The warehouse was filled with the loud sound of metals clashing.

The Mouser had lost its head. Leo panted heavily.

Nobody dared to move.

“Donatello,” Leo growled, “attach a tracer to the other Mouser. Raphael, help Michelangelo to the nearest rooftop. We need to leave, NOW.”

Almost as to prove his point, quiet groaning could be heard around them. The Dragons were waking up again. Well, at least some of them.

“...Got it.” Don went back to his bag to pick up the said object, and quickly attached it to the remaining mousers leg. Almost immediately after he was done, the rather badly damaged Mouser ran out of the warehouse, into the night.

“Come on Mikey,” Raph muttered, assisting his brother as they tried to make their way out of the warehouse as quickly and quietly as possible. When the first of the Dragons raised their heads, there were no signs that the turtles had even been there, if not counting the giant robot carcass in the middle of the warehouse.

While Mikey’s leg was hurting immensely, he was able to put some weight to it, and with the assistance of Raphael, he made it to the rooftop of the nearest building in no time. The older turtle helped the younger one to sit down, and Donatello hurried forward to get a better look at the injuries.

“You were lucky, these don’t seem to be that deep,” he concluded after a couple of minutes. “I can clean the wounds and wrap them up now, but I want to get another look when we get back home and decide whether you need stitches or not.”

“Whatever you say dude.” Mikey hissed a bit. “Honestly, it doesn’t feel that bad, just stings like shell.”

“Yeah I bet… How did it happen?”

“I don’t know. I guess I thought that we had won and then didn’t pay attention and it decided to try what a turtle tastes lik-”

“This is exactly why I always tell you guys to stay focused!” Leo’s angry voice cut Mikey’s speech.

“Oh boy here we go again…” Raph muttered. Don silently took out a first aid kit from his bag and started to take care of Mikey's injuries, not wanting to be a part of this.

“How many times does this need to happen before you realise that we are not invincible? In a fight, you need to _always_ be aware of your surroundings, _always_ focus, or otherwise you might get hurt!"

"It's not _that_ bad Leo!" Mikey tried to argue. He didn't like this any more than Don did. "I've had worse, I can handle it-"

"It's not about that!" Leo was now properly yelling. "It's about the fact that you got hurt in the first place! It was another failure!"

"But it wasn't!" Raph stepped in to support his younger brother. "We got in, we stopped one of those things, put a tracker on the other and got out! So ya can quit yellin’ at Mikey already!"

"I will when you _all_ learn how to actually behave in a dangerous situations!"

Raph's hands were on his sai immediately.

"Oh _I'll_ show ya a dangerous situation ya-"

" _Knock it off_ already!" Donatello had had enough. He was now glaring at his older brothers, Mikey's leg half-way bandaged. "Do you guys really want to fight? _Again_?"

The two turtles still standing looked like yes, they did want to fight again. Instead of doing anything though, they were just glaring at each other. Time felt frozen for a while, until Leonardo seemed to get a hold of himself.

"You three head back home _immediately_ after Michelangelo is patched up." He turned around and started to walk away.

"And where do ya think _yer_ going?" Raph growled after him, but received no answer. Leo merely jumped off of the roof they were standing on and vanished.

"Let him go," Don sighed, finishing up the bandaging. "...You know he's righ-"

"Shut up Donnie, I don't wanna hear it," Raphael snarled.

After another sigh Don gathered his remaining supplies to his bag before standing up.

"Mikey, can you stand up? We really should get going anyways."

"Uh… Let’s see." He grabbed the hand Donnie was offering, carefully allowing some weight on his injured leg. "It already feels better. Thanks dude!"

“Anytime. Now, let’s get home.”

The three turtles slowly made their way towards the lair. Mikey was mostly able to move on his own, but occasionally needed some extra support, which his brothers offered gladly. Rooftop after rooftop, they made their way towards their above-ground garage - they did live in the sewers after all, and fording through the water wouldn’t have been very hygienic for Mikey’s fresh wounds.

“Can’t wait to show this to Master Splinter…” Mikey muttered when they finally inside the elevator.

“It’ll be fine,” Don tried to cheer him up. “You said it yourself, it’s not even that bad this time! Maybe he’ll get over it soon.”

“None of us likes to see him worry,” Raph pointed out, “but it’s somethin’ that’s just gonna happen, he can’t turn off the protective dad in him.”

“Except when he kicks our shells while training,” Mikey reminded.

“...Except then.”

The elevator stopped. When the doors slid open, Donnie hurried ahead.

“Master Splinter?” he called.

“Welcome home my sons,” a familiar voice said from the direction of the kitchen. “Did you enjoy your time topside?”

“Uh, well…” Donatello hesitated. This immediately caught his father’s attention, who hurried away from the kitchen just in time to notice the slightly limping Mikey to walk in.

“My son!” He rushed to the youngest turtle. “What happened?”

Raphael explained to Master Splinter what had happened to them during the night, while the rat helped Mikey to settle down to their couch. Don hurried to get proper medical equipment for the stitching from the small room they had dedicated to be a med-bay-area, filled with equipment that Don had found during his various trips to dumpsites and fixed. Donatello returned to others soon, just as Raph had finished telling about their night.

“I see…” Master Splinter said after the story, sitting right next to Michelangelo. “Michelangelo, how are your injuries?”

“Not gonna lie, it does hurt,” Mike answered slowly. He didn’t want Splinter to worry too much, so when Don unwrapped his injuries, he hurried to add; “It’s not as bad as it looks though! I practically walked here myself, I’m fine!”

The rat didn’t answer at first, scanning the wounds himself. He hummed a little, apparently deciding that Mikey was in fact telling him the truth.

“And where is Leonardo? Is he injured as well?”

“No, he… Leo just wanted to be alone, I guess,” Mikey told. He could see how Master Splinter’s whole appearance seemed to slump a little.

“I see…” the rat said again, and Mikey could hear the worry intensify in his voice.

\---

Leo wasn’t completely sure where he was going, but he knew that he needed to go somewhere. Some distant rooftop, abandoned alleyway… It didn’t matter. He just had to get some distance between himself and his brothers. So he just kept running.

It had happened again. He had snapped at them once again.

He had failed, once again.

Mikey had gotten hurt. And what had he done? _He yelled at him_. He should have been there to support his brother, he should have _protected him in the first place_ , but everything had felt like too much and he just couldn’t control himself.

Same thing with Donatello couple of days ago. He _knew_ that his brother had done his best and that there was nothing else to do, but something… Something had felt wrong at that moment. Something heavy, something that he wasn’t willing to look into any further. So he had let his emotions to take over and yelled over a failure that wasn’t Donnie’s in the first place.

And Raph… Where to even _begin_ with Raph? They were fighting almost daily now. Of course, there had always been arguments between the two of them, but during these last months it felt like there was more anger, more… something, hidden behind the words. But he couldn’t show it, and it led to more yelling, to more anger. What a vicious cycle.

Somewhere in his mind he knew that something had been off for months now. Ever since…

Ever since…

Leo halted to a full stop, both physically and mentally. He knew where his mind was going, and he didn’t want that. The memories, the crushing feeling of helplessness, of _failure_ …

 _No no no no stop, focus, think of something else_. Look around you. Leo looked around, trying to keep his breathing under control. _Five things. What are five things that you can see?_

He saw a clothesline, full of someone’s drying laundry, he saw antennas, almost on every building, he saw the tower of Shredder, in which he had almost lost everything that mattered and it was _completely his fault, he couldn’t do anything, he wasn’t good enough, he couldn’t save them, he-_

The smell of burnt hair filled his nostrils.

 _NO!_ When had he ended up in this part of the city? He usually avoided it, but while Leo had ran he must have have been so deep in thought that he didn’t realise where he was going. He had to _leave_ , he couldn’t stay here, he couldn’t breath, he had to leave, but his legs wouldn’t move, and his eyes were glued to the building, the insignia of the Foot shining bright above the rest of the city.

 _Keep it together, focus!_ Leo tried to tell himself, but his mind was now flooding with memories, _images_ , of his brothers, hurt, begging him to do something, his father, laying on the ground, _burnt_ , telling him to save them-

Leo sunk to his knees, shaking badly. He had failed them that night. They had trusted him, as the leader, to save them, to do _something_. But he couldn’t. Without the utroms stepping in, they would all be _dead_ right now. He would have lost _everything_.

It would have been all his fault. If he hadn’t let his guard down, if he hadn’t gotten _stabbed_ by Karai, maybe he would have been able to do something. He wouldn’t have been injured, he would have been able to protected the others, keep them _safe_ like he was supposed to.

He could feel the tears on his cheeks, but he had to ignore them, he needed to focus on breathing or he would pass out. It was hard, he was only able to take shallow breaths, barely enough for his lungs. He was losing control again, and losing control meant failure, and failure meant that someone would get hurt, and then someone could _die_ , and it would be all. Leo’s. Fault.

He wasn’t the leader the others deserved.

He was a failure.

Useless.

Worthless.

Weak.

He needed to be better. 

He couldn’t show the others how weak he really was, what would they think of him at that point? He needed to train more. If he could perfect his skills, he could keep his family safe. He would become the leader they deserved. If he just could be better maybe, _maybe_ , he would feel less powerless, less _scared_ , _all_ the time...

Breathing started to get easier. Leo was able to inhale properly, his chest didn’t feel quite as tight anymore. He raised his hands, still on his knees, relieved to see that he was shaking less as well.

That had to be it. He just needed to be better. Perfect himself, be less weak. Because right now he was useless. But with enough training, he wouldn’t be. He would train himself to the brim of exhaustion and beyond that if it meant that the others would be safe. He couldn’t let them down again.

He would do what he had to do to protect his family.

He would do anything.

Anything.


	2. Paralipophobia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **A/N:** I want to thank everyone who have read this so far, I was expecting that maybe 10 people would end up reading this, but apparently there were a lot more of you. I'm so excited ~~and nervous~~ to post more.
> 
> Also, extra credit for Jay for going through this chapter as well and finishing after **_4:30AM_**. Like... Wow. I feel like I have been pretty vocal about how much I appreciate her doing this, but after this I think I have to step it up.
> 
> \---
> 
>  **WARNING:** Includes some mental health issues. Stay safe.

**Chapter 2 - Paralipophobia**

_ Fear of neglecting duty or responsibility _

Leonardo returned home hours later. He had hoped that everyone would be asleep by the time he returned, and seemed to be right. While moving silently through the lair towards his own room, he was able to hear the deep breathing coming from his brothers’ rooms, even the snores of Raphael and Michelangelo.

He tried to ignore the fact that he was able to see the light flicker off in his father’s room.

When he reached the door of Mikey’s room, Leo hesitated. Some instinct inside of him told him to take a look inside, to see his brother, but Leo decided against it. Just listening to Mikey’s soft snores was enough to calm him down even more.

Mikey was fine. He would be okay.

Leo slipped quietly into his own room, closing the door behind him. Usually he would try to meditate before going to sleep, but he knew it was late, and meditation hadn’t felt as enjoyable as it used to as of late. So he just put away his katanas and climbed to bed, hoping that he would avoid any nightmares that night.

\---

Leo had already been training for an hour and a half before he was able to hear the first set of footsteps walk through the lair to the kitchen, and then towards the dojo where Leo was. Soon the door slid open.

“Good morning,” Donatello’s voice said. Leo didn’t acknowledge his presence in any way, and just swinged his katanas at nothing.

“...What time did you get home?” Still no answer. Leo forced all his focus on his movements, trying to be one with his blades just as Master Splinter had taught. He knew his brother would give up soon enough.

The oldest turtle was right. After a few minutes of silence, the door of the dojo was shut again. Leo was alone. A wave of bittersweetness washed over him, but he pushed it aside. He needed to train.

Within the next hour the rest of the mutant family woke up and made their way to the kitchen to enjoy a slow morning together. When Leo heard the last set of footsteps, Raph’s, arrive to join the breakfast, he decided he would allow himself to have a short break.

He couldn’t help but notice that the happy chatter quieted down when he stepped outside the dojo.

“Good morning Leonardo,” Master Splinter greeted, eyes locked on to his eldest son even though the turtle was avoiding looking at him.

“Morning Sensei.” Leo immediately made his way to the teapot, glad to notice that the liquid inside was still hot. The silence around him continued.

“How long will it take for Mike’s leg to heal?” Leo asked, aiming his question to Don without looking at him, drinking from his cup instead.

“Uh, about a week? I mean, for 100 percent recovery a bit longer, but he will be able to move around somewhat normally after a week. The cuts aren’t that deep, but I did have to put in a couple of stitches.”

Leo nodded, but sighed inside. They would have to wait. He didn’t like the sound of that.

\---

The week went by slowly. Mikey healed well, and after only four days of rest he claimed that he was able to go out for runs with the others already, but Don had insisted that he heals fully first. That meant that the turtles had plenty of time to plan their next mission.

Donatello’s tracker had shown them that the Mouser they had fought had returned to the old building of the Stocktronics Corporation. The information wasn’t exactly surprising, although it did feel a bit odd.

_“Hasn’t Stockman done this exact thing before?” Mikey had said. “Like, the first time we ever fought him? I thought he was a genius, you’d think he would think of something else for a change!”_

_“Are we even sure that it is Stockman?” Raph had asked._

_“The more I have been able to see the Mousers, the more sure I am that it is him. They behave similarly, are built the same way… And besides, who else would want to go into the Stocktronics building and just hang around there?” Don had argued. All three had turned to look at Leo, who had been just listening silently._

_“We will see in a week. For now, we just have to wait.”_

And they had. Leo had been torn apart about it - on the other hand, they should go and end the Mousers as soon as possible, save the city from any additional casualties. But on the other, they needed every turtle on the deck, and Mikey was in no condition to fight yet, meaning they had to wait. Besides, during that time Leo was able to train more and more, starting early each morning and pushing himself to his limits until the evening, when he would be completely exhausted by the time he finally went to sleep, managing to avoid all nightmares. He would be more ready to fight when the time came.

But the wait came with a cost. During that time there were more attacks.

136 injured.

12 dead.

The Mousers had become more vicious, more dangerous. And they needed to be stopped as soon as possible.

When Donatello had finally removed the stitches from the leg of his younger brother, they were able to execute their plan. They would go to the Stocktronics building that night, and stop the Mousers.

\---

The turtles were already leaving when Master Splinter approached them.

“My sons… I have been meditating, and decided that I will accompany you on your mission tonight. I can sense a looming dread, and I will not allow you to face it alone.”

“But Master, what if-”

“Do not argue with me, Leonardo. I have made up my mind.”

Leo swallowed his arguments against his will. He had to admit that he wasn’t keen on letting their father to come with them tonight. He could remember all the trouble the old Mousers had caused the rat ages ago, and with these new and improved robots, the situation could be worse. But at the same time, Leo knew that his Sensei was extremely talented fighter, and could be very helpful in the fight. And more importantly, he also knew that once his father had decided on something, it would be nearly impossible to persuade him out of it. So he just nodded.

Maybe Master Splinter would be able to sense the danger in time, and they would be able to avoid it altogether.

After ten more minutes of preparation, the whole family headed out of the lair.

They had decided to head to the building through the sewers, like the last time. The part of the building that had been above ground had crumbled down after the explosions of the old Mousers, but Don had assured them that although the explosion might have severely damaged the secret labs that Stockman had previously worked in, they would still be standing. That would most likely be where Stockman would hide, since many didn’t even know about their existence.

“Be careful,” Leo reminded everyone as they approached the vent through which they would be able to get inside. “Last time there were alarms, even here in the sewers.”

Luckily, they encountered nothing on their way. They located the vent they had used last time easily, and climbed inside, one by one, Leo in the lead. Soon he was able to swing open the other end of the vent, and jumped down to a dark, empty hallway.

“Let’s check the main lab first,” he ordered after the rest of his family had landed next to him. “And stay alert at all times.”

“Sure, but I don’t think there’s anyone else at this party except for us,” Mikey commented, but held his nunchucks in his hands anyway. “Don’t you guys think it’s weird this place is still around in the first place? Like nothing has been done to the remains of the building after all this time?”

“I wonder if there was a lot of tech left behind when this place got abandoned,” Don wondered out loud when they started walking, ignoring Mikey completely. “I’m sure that there would be enough space in my bag to bring back _something_.”

“Don’t ya already have a bunch of junk? Ya are almost a worse horder than Mikey with his superhero comics and dollies!” Raph teased.

“Hey!”

“Do not lose focus, my sons,” Splinter reminded them. “Even though this place seems abandoned, it is good to stay on your guard.”

“...Sorry Master Splinter.”

Leo stayed out of the bickering, leading the group forward until the hallway became more illuminated.

At the end of the hallway there was a large pair of doors, both with large windows and heavy builds. The room beyond them seemed to be brightly lit, meaning that there really was someone down here. Quietly, Leo pushed the doors open.

There was nothing left in the room that would have been there the last time the turtles had visited. It seemed like everything had been destroyed in the previous explosion, and someone had started rebuilding the room from the scratch without bothering to put too much effort in their work. There were desks all over the place, covered with unfinished projects, piles of both riches and different materials, just laying on the floor. All the effort seemed to have gone to strengthen the structure of the room itself, probably to prevent it from collapsing altogether.

But the most eye-catching thing was right in the middle of the room. There were a dozen of new, giant Mousers, arranged like an army, but they all seemed to be in some sort of rest mode, since they didn’t do anything but stood still. And in the front of of all the other Mousers was one that was even bigger than the other Mousers. It looked a little bit different, stronger, and much more dangerous.

Someone was standing on a ladder in front of it, working on the Mouser, and the family of mutants silently approached them.

The person had their back towards them, but the ninjas could easily see that they had guessed right earlier - it was indeed Dr. Baxter Stockman, in his robot-like suit that was keeping him alive even after all this time. The mutants weren’t able to see what exactly the man (could he even be called a man anymore?) was doing. Apparently there had been no alarms triggered, since Stockman seemed to be oblivious to the fact that he wasn’t alone anymore.

Once they got close to Stockman, Leo unsheathed his katanas.

“Have you decided to return to your roots?” the leader questioned.

Stockman jumped a little and turned to face them, surprised. But once he realised who had snuck into his building, his expression changed to pure annoyance.

“I thought that things were going too well, and now _you_ are here. Just my luck.”

“You need to stop this, your Mousers have _killed_ people!” Leo’s katana was now pointing accusingly at Stockman.

“Do I honestly look like I care?” Stockman replied and climbed down his ladder. “People die all the time anyways, these ones just happened to get in front of my Mousers’ work!”

“What happened to you?” Don was looking at Stockman, clearly disgusted. “You used to be an honored scientist and genius!”

“And I still am, thank you very much! My plan was always to get to the top of the world, one way or the other, and hopefully through some very generous donors. But I suppose you could say that working for the Shredder long enough makes you… insensitive for some extra deaths.”

“You need to stop,” Leo repeated. Stockman wasn’t threatened by this at all, and just rolled his eyes. 

“Look _freaks_ , believe it or not but this is only a temporary solution. Agent Bishop and I… had a little disagreement, from which he can surely get over soon,” Stockman glanced at a phone laying on one of the many tables, “but right now I am going solo and I need my extensive funding from somewhere!”

“So that’s why you were using junk to make the Mousers!” Mike chimed in. “You were broke!”

“They were _not_ made of junk, they were the best materials that were available for me at the moment!”

“Why are we still chit-chattin’ here? Let’s get ‘em already!” Raphael was getting impatient.

“Raphael, wait,” Master Splinter was looking at Stockman intently. “Stockman, you must still have your honor, and understand that this has gone too far. You can still end this on your own, without any further casualties.”

“And why would I do that, rodent?” Stockman still looked like the arrival of the mutants was nothing but a mild inconvenience. “I have the financial support I had hoped for, I have my complete creative freedom, there are still _many_ things that I wish my Mousers to retrieve for me, _and_ no one will come here to look for me! Well, no one who can stop me, that is.”

“Oh we will stop ya, just watch!” Raph tried to dash forward, but this time was stopped by Leonardo’s extended arm.

“I don’t think so, turtle. You see, I remember the last time you came here to stop my Mousers, which means I also remember how you struggled to beat them the last time, and that you were able to escape only because Miss O’Neil was able to override my robots. Foolish mistake for me to leave such a backdoor in my programming.” Suddenly he was holding a small remote in his hand. “A mistake I did not make this time.”

Before any of the mutants were able to do anything, Stockman had already pressed a button on his remote. The room was filled with the sounds of whirring machines, and the Mousers started to slowly move.

“This time, all of the control comes straight from me to this Ultimate Mouser,” he turned to give the biggest mouser a proud look, “which then transmits the signal forward to the other Mousers. No chance of overriding the system this time! No chance of even destroying my masterpiece! It is constructed of the finest materials I was able to get my hands on, it’s basically indestructible! And so is this room! Building up these additional supporting frameworks was the first thing I did when I arrived, making this room practically bomb-proof, so even if you tried to make the rest of the building collapse onto it, it wouldn’t work! There is no way that you will make it out of here alive tonight.”

The Mousers seemed to be completely awake at this point, and were heading towards where their new enemies were preparing themselves for a fight. Stockman was grinning like the madman he was, slowly moving out of the way of the Mousers.

Then his phone rang.

Stockman dashed to his phone, and somehow his smile managed to grow even bigger.

“This day just keeps getting better and better! I will finally get rid of you freaks, and Bishop has finally decided to give me a call!” He turned towards the ninjas again, but was walking backwards towards another set of doors on the opposite side of the room. “I would love to stay to see your final demise in the jaws of my Mousers, but unfortunately my attention is required elsewhere. Farewell!”

He walked out of the door at the same time he answered the phone. “Agent, how good it is to hear your voice again…”

“He’s getting away!” Raph yelled and tried to hurry after Stockman, who had already disappeared through a pair of metal doors.

“Let him!” Leo responded. “We have our hands full here!”

The Mousers were closing in, and it was time to act.

Leo was the first one to get a hit on them, aiming his katanas to the neck of the closest Mouser, but he was unable to cut through it completely. Raph growled a bit, displeased about the fact that they had to let Stockman get away once again. He jumped towards the Ultimate Mouser instead and tried to get a hit.

“Stockman was right! Can hardly make a scratch to this thing!” His sai didn’t even make a dent, just sliding uselessly off the metal surface after every hit.

“I have an idea!” Don yelled suddenly, and started to search for something from his bag.

“Is no one else wondering where he got that remote?” Mikey pondered while landing a hit to one of the robots. “I mean, does he have pockets in that thing, or did he pull it out of his robot butt?”

“Michelangelo, focus!” Master Splinter urged his son while fighting off the Mouser that had reached him.

Donatello had found what he had been looking for, and was now holding something that looked unmistakably like a bomb.

“We need to take it down from the inside! Raph, catch!”

Don tried to throw the still deactivated bomb to his brother, but instead it landed to the mouth of the Mouser that was trying to sink its teeth into Raph. The robot closed its mouth, but it opened almost immediately to spit out the bomb.

“There’s some mechanism that pushes it out!” Raph informed his brothers.

“That would have been too easy anyway!” Mikey scoffed.

“We need to come up with something else! For now, just focus on taking down as many Mousers as possible!” Leo had finally been able to cut through the neck of his first Mouser, and was moving on to the next one.

The progress was slow. 13 Mousers in total against five ninjas wasn’t exactly a fair fight, and in ten minutes they had only been able to take down four Mousers. They were slowly starting to get tired, and the Mousers just kept attacking.

Leo kept glancing towards where Master Splinter was fighting, often alongside Donnie. The leader would never question the skills of his master, but he was also aware of the fact that the rat wasn’t as young as he once was. Still, Leo couldn’t have been happier to notice that his father was able to keep up with the turtles just fi-

“RAPH WATCH OUT!”

Mikey had tried to warn his older brother, but it came just a little bit too late. Raphael looked around and was barely able to see a Mouser coming at him before the robot was holding his shell in its teeth. The turtle yelled in pain, as the sharp teeth pierced his carapace, but still tried to wiggle free from the hold. The robot would not give in. It shook its head fiercely, before opening its jaw and sending Raphael flying towards the closest wall. He hit it first with his shoulder and then with his head, and after a nasty pop and a loud thud, he fell to the floor, unconscious.

“RAPHAEL!” Leo tried to make his way to Raph, but was blocked by yet another Mouser. Mikey was also trying to reach his brother, but faced a similar issue. Trying the same technique that had worked for him previously, he tried to make his way to the back of the Mouser to take it down, but when he tried to land on the robot Mikey suddenly yelped in pain. He had landed badly on his previously injured leg. Distracted and unable to hold on, he was easily shaken off by the Mouser. Mikey was plummeting towards the floor, and once he reached it a loud crack echoed in the room. Mikey whimpered and tried to crawl further away from the Mouser, but the robot managed to kick the turtle, who landed a couple of feet away.

Since none of the Mousers were heading towards Raphael, Leo decided that it was more important to help Mikey first, no matter how badly he wanted to go to see Raph. Managing to get away from the Mouser he had fought before, Leo ran to the robot currently tormenting his brother and sank one of his katanas to the head of the Mouser, which managed to make the robot distressed enough to get further away.

“I think my leg is broken,” Mikey, who was hissing in pain, informed Leo once the other turtle was kneeling next to him. “Again.”

“We need to get you out of here,” Leo murmured and helped his brother off the floor. Mikey was now leaning heavily on the leader, and hopped forward using only his right leg. Leo helped him through the set of doors that they had first entered through to the quiet hallway, and helped Mikey to sit back on the floor. The injured turtle was holding his leg, breathing heavily.

“I’ll need another brace. I hate them. So much”

“Just hold on. I’m going to get Raph here as well.”

Leo stood up straight again. Everything had gone downhill so fast… How could they ever beat the Mousers? They needed to be stopped, they were too dangerous. But this was a huge setback.

He hurried back inside, running first to the Mouser that still had one of his katanas stuck in its head. He yanked it out, slashing the robot a couple more times before it fell to the ground. Leo tired his best to avoid the rest of the Mousers as he ran to retrieve the still unconcsious Raph. The leader kneeled so that he could lift the other turtle up to his shoulders, but when he turned around to return to Mike, all he could see was that Master Splinter was on the ground as well.

“Donnie!” Leo yelled, feeling the panic inside of him rising. “What happened?!”

“The Mouser managed to bite his arm before pushing him down pretty hard!” Donatello explained, while trying his best to protect the fallen rat with his bō. “Nothing too serious, but he’s getting tired!”

“No, I can still-” Master Splinter had tried to push himself off the ground, but fell back down immediately.

Leo tried to think, fast. But his mind was getting fuzzy.

“Don, can you get him to Mikey?”

“Uh, sure.”

Don turned to help Master Splinter up, and with his support the two of them were able to make it to the hallway where Mikey was still resting. Leo came soon after them, gently putting Raphael down to the floor.

The situation wasn’t looking good. Three members of the team were down, and after glancing at Donatello Leo was sure that his brother wouldn’t be able to continue for much longer either. The younger turtle had some bruises and a couple of serious looking scratches, but above all seemed exhausted.

 _Think_ , Leo tried to tell himself. _There has to be a way._

He glanced at the dark hallway. They could leave, have a tactical retreat, make sure that everyone was okay and come back some other time. But during that extra time, the Mousers would be able to do more damage to the city, and at that point, all the additional injuries and deaths would be on Leo’s conscience. 

_But the others would be safe._

“Okay Don, here’s what we are going to do-”

The Mousers had been able to push themselves through the doors, even though they seemed so big it should have been impossible. Leo had trusted that that being in the hallway would have been enough to keep them away, but that seemed to not be the case. The leader’s hand tightened around his katanas again - there would not be enough time to evacuate.

But how long could they fight back?

Leo stood up alongside with Donnie. They needed to fight back the two Mousers that were already approaching them. Ignoring the ache in his muscles, Leo charged at the Mousers once again.

While defending his family, Leonardo tried to think of a new plan that would end with them getting away. Just running away wouldn’t work, he and Don couldn’t carry all three of the injured fast enough to get away, and Leo refused to leave anyone behind. Calling April and Casey for backup was also not an option - it would take them way too long to get there.

“I don’t know if I can go on for much longer,” Donatello panted next to Leo. His bō wasn’t quite as efficient against the robots as Leo’s katanas, but he had still been landing solid hits, making some serious damage. “Leo, do you have a plan?”

“I…” Leo had no idea what to do. He glanced quickly behind him, where Mikey was fussing over both Master Splinter and Raphael despite his own injuries, trying to figure out what exactly was wrong with them and if there was anything he could do to help.

_It’s happening all over again._

He tried not to focus on the smell of burning hair.

Leo needed to get them to safety somehow, they were his responsibility. He couldn’t fail them, not like he had done last time. But he had already failed, it was his fault that they were in a mess like this again, he hadn’t been good enough, and this time his family would really die here and it was all his fault and all their blood would be on his hands because he wasn’t able to save them like he was supposed to and-

 _No not now, you need to FOCUS!_ Leo used all of his mental strength to tear his gaze away from the injured members of his family and back to the Mousers. Right. Focus. He still had time to think. He needed to keep his family safe. He raised his katanas for another attack, trying to keep his breaths steady.

His mind was still racing alongside with his heartbeat. The Mousers needed to be stopped, somehow. He couldn’t do it alone with Don, _who would soon be injured as well oh god what if Donnie gets hurt too?_ , so Leo had to think of something else. The best way to do so would be to destroy the signal, _just like his whole family was almost destroyed all those months ago_ , but the Ultimate Mouser couldn’t be damaged from the outside, _meaning that he couldn’t do ANYTHING again because he was a failure_. It needed to be destroyed from inside, _he was a weak worthless useless failure_ , but its AI must have been too good and it just spit the bomb out. Maybe if it could be forced to keep the mouth shut, _failure failure failure failure failure_ , maybe if something was holding it? But what could that be?

_Failure failure failure FAILURE FAILURE FAILURE FAILURE._

...Wait.

_Anything to keep my family safe._

Leo hadn’t even realised that he was shaking before he saw his katanas shake as well. This would work. They would be safe, fulfill his duty as the leader. He wouldn’t fail them.

“Don… I have a plan. Can you fight them off on your own for a minute?”

“If it really is just a minute,” the other turtle blocked the teeth of a Mouser with his staff, “then sure!”

“I’ll be as quick as I can. Let’s change weapons, they are easier to hit with metal.”

“What are you going to do?” Donatello questioned, frowning, but handed his bō to the leader anyways. Then he noticed the shaking of the other turtle. “Leo, are you okay?”

“Just trust me.” Leo ignored the second question completely.

“I always do.”

Don’s expression was full of confusion. Leo managed to offer him a shaky yet warm smile, something that had been rather rare these last couple of months. Don’s frown only deepened, but the Mouser’s requested his attention, meaning he had no time to question his brother further before attacking the Mousers once again.

Leo hurried towards the door that led to the room full of Mousers with the bo in his hand, but stopped when he heard a soft moan from Raph.

“Look who decided to wake up from his nap!” Mikey tried to tease, but his voice was full of relief.

“Let’s throw ya into the wall instead and see how that goes,” Raph mumbled as an answer, but his voice was lacking a real bite as well.

“You weren’t out for that long, you should be fine, Raph,” Leo informed, still smiling. “Good job helping him and Master Splinter, Mikey.”

The youngest turtle turned to grin at his brother, but after seeing the rare phenomenon on the leaders face, Mikey’s own smile wavered.

“You okay?” he questioned.

“I’m fine.” Leo wasn’t sure if he was lying or not. He could still feel the panic inside of him, the shaking, but he also felt like he was finally doing something right. He wouldn’t fail. He couldn’t. Mikey would have hard time walking with both of his legs broken. No, wait, just his other leg. Was it?

“My son…”

Leo turned to face Master Splinter’s worried gaze next.

“It will be okay, Father.” Calling their master ‘father’ wasn’t the most natural thing for any of the turtles, but it never felt wrong either. Instead, the rare occasions felt more special. Leo had always liked that. The rat’s fur had just started to look healthy again, it would be awful if it burnt again. Where was that smell coming from?

Master Splinter tried to reach his hand towards Leo, but a sudden surge of pain forced him to let his hand down.

A clang from behind him reminded Leo that he needed to hurry - he had promised Donnie that he would be done in a minute, and it had already taken him longer than that. Leo slipped through the door separating the hallway from the main room, and quickly closed it behind him. After a second of thinking, he used the bō to block the door from being opened again.

He didn’t want anyone else to get hurt by what he was going to do.

Leo tried not to look at his family though the windows of the door at this point, but noticed that Mikey was crawling towards the door, clearly worried about what he was doing. He could hear their voices while running towards Don’s bag that had been forgotten in the room.

_There’s nothing else that I can do._

“What’s he doin’?”

“My son?”

“Leo, dude, you’re kinda scaring me here!”

“Did he really block the door with my staff?”

Just like Leo had hoped - Don had more bombs inside the bag. Good. He wanted to be sure that the job would be done properly. After picking up two, he quickly located the bomb that had been thrown around earlier and went to get it as well, rather easily avoiding the four normal Mousers that were still in the room, setting his eyes on the Shredder standing in the middle of the room. What was he doing here? Was he back? Leo couldn’t allow that.

_I will protect them._

“We need to get the door open!”

“Leonardo?”

“I can’t stand on my leg!”

“I’m kinda busy here!”

Leo had reached the Ultimate Mouser, and was now baiting it, waiting for it to attack. He pressed the activation buttons on all three of the bombs, hoping that the delay on them would be long enough. Finally the giant Mouser’s mouth opened, ready to bite, but Leo threw the bombs inside. The Mouser shut its mouth, but before it was able to open it again, Leo jumped in the air and landed on the Mouser’s head, wrapping his body around its jaws, preventing it from opening them again and spitting out the bombs. His side was throbbing, and he tried to ignore the bleeding stab wound. Where was the blood? Where was Karai? He needed to be aware at all times.

_I’m finally good enough._

“Move Mikey, move!”

“LEONARDO!”

“We need to get it open, now!”

“NO!”

Leo turned his head to get a final look at his family. He was able to clearly see their horrified faces, even from this far away. Michelangelo and Master Splinter were by the windows of the doors, eyes glued on him. Raphael was trying to break the door, but was hardly able to stand, he wouldn’t be able to get it open in time. Donatello was trying his best to fight off the two Mousers now locked in with them, but kept constantly looking through the windows into the other room.

_Not another failure. Finally._

For the first time after they had barely escaped from the Shredder, Leonardo felt like he was finally in peace with himself. He had been able to save his family. They were all relatively unharmed, and would heal rather soon. None of them would die. This is what Leo should have done the previous time when he was here, there?, sacrifice himself for the others, but he was glad that he was able to do it now.

_Anything to protect my family._

Leo heard intense beeping from inside the Mouser’s mouth and braced himself. The rest of the robots had gathered close-by, possibly trying to reach the turtle in time, but Leo knew it was too late already.

_I hope they’ll forgive me._

There was a loud bang, a flash of light, and for a split second Leo felt the most intense pain he had ever felt in his life while flying through the air.

And then he felt nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~~I'm sorry for the 'cliffhanger', I swear it's the most logical end for this chapter.~~
> 
> Once again, I would really appreciate any feedback you feel like giving. I'll hopefully post on next Tuesday, see you then!


	3. Thantophobia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **A/N:** So it's not exactly Tuesday anymore. Sorry, stuff came up and I couldn't post this chapter on time. It's only one day late though, maybe it's forgivable.
> 
> Thank you for everyone who keeps reading this, it means a lot to me. And a special thanks for Jay of course, you are the best, everyone say hi to her, apparently she stops by every time I post a new chapter. I made embarrassingly many mistakes in this chapter ~~and probably in the future ones too~~ , I feel genuinely bad for her. But it just proofs that this fic would be so much worse without her amazing efforts.
> 
> \---
> 
> **WARNING:** Includes some mental health issues. Stay safe everyone.

**Chapter 3 - Thantophobia**  
_ Fear of death; fear of losing someone you love _

Stockman had been right - the enforcements of the room made it practically indestructible. When the shockwave of the explosion hit the apparently shockproof doors, keeping the four mutants safe. It only made the doors bend a little before they returned to their previous state. Everyone’s ears were ringing, but they were frozen completely still.

No one could see inside of the room. It was filled with dust, but the Mousers that had been in the hallway with them suddenly froze as well and seemed to turn off, and that served as a proof of what had happened in the other room.

“He did it…” Donatello finally whispered, horrified. The katanas he had been holding fell down to the floor with a clang.

The dust was slowly setting, and they were able to see the destruction inside. All the the Mousers were in pieces, especially the Ultimate Mouser. There was debris everywhere from the robots and whatever had been in the room previously.

There were no signs of Leo.

Raphael seemed to recover first, and started to throw himself against the door again. A loud pop could be heard, and Raph stopped for just a second to hold his previously dislocated shoulder. Apparently it had popped back to its socket. Raph couldn’t care less.

“We need to get in right NOW!” he yelled and attacked the door again, but he was still struggling with his concussion and wasn’t able to put enough force into his efforts.

“Let me,” Don’s shaky voice appeared behind Raph. The older turtle moved away without hesitation, heading to grab one of the katanas instead. In a couple of angry movements, he had made sure that the Mousers would never be functional again. Don tried to force the door to open, and after four strong pounds, the staff on the other side finally broke and let them in. Raph and Don rushed through the door.

“Someone help me walk,” Michelangelo plead immediately, trying to stand up to join his brothers.

“No, ya stay here,” Raph ordered, stopping on his tracks, shell towards Mikey.

“No we need to find him!”

“Don and I will, ya stay here and call Casey and April and tell ‘em to come and pick us up.”

“But-”

“No buts Mikey. Stay. Here.”

“I don’t want to just sit here and wait!”

“We’ll too bad, yer not comin’!”

“He’s my brother too, I want to-”

“IF HE’S IN BITS ‘N PIECES YA DON’T WANNA SEE HIM, OKAY? DID YA EVEN CONSIDER THAT?” Raphael turned around, a weird mixture of emotions on his face. He didn’t want to see it either, but someone had to. Raph knew he would need Donnie’s help, but he had to spare at least Mikey. Not all of them needed to suffer any more than necessary. “Besides, ya can’t really do anythin’ helpful there, yer leg is still busted.”

Mikey swallowed hard and blinked rapidly.

“Okay.”

Raph exhaled through his nose.

“...C’mon Donnie.”

The turtles tried to avoid looking at their father’s face. They weren’t sure what they would find there, but they were sure it would be something that would break them into even smaller pieces. Just like-

Raph didn’t allow his mind to go there.

He and Don walked further into the room with heavy hearts, and carefully started to go through the piles of rubble, trying to find any indication about what happened to their brother, fearing what they might find. Raph was being harsher and twitchier than he normally was, processing his sorrow in the only way he knew how, but Donatello felt like he was in some sort of trance, trying to count the probabilities of survival in his head while going through the destruction that the explosion had left behind.

He didn’t like the odds.

Then he froze. From underneath a pile of metal, Don saw a green, badly burnt arm. He took a couple of shallow breaths.

“...Raph?” Don didn’t even notice that his voice was much higher than usual.

The other turtle ran to Don immediately, and somewhere deep inside Raph’s mind a small voice said that he probably shouldn’t be running so soon after a concussion, but he was able to silence that voice very fast.

Raph stopped completely when he saw what Donatello had already seen.

“...We need to dig him up.”

Don felt his head move as a response, a nod, but it took him a couple more seconds to actually get himself moving. Together with Raph, they quickly moved all the rubble covering their brother away, hoping that they would find more than just an arm.

And there he was.

Leonardo was laying on the ground, on his shell, in one piece, but in a bad shape. His skin had been burnt all over, and he was covered in deep, bleeding wounds. Most alarming ones were on his plastron, which had multiple nasty looking gashes. Leo’s left arm looked weirdly bent - it must have been broken. His mask was bloody and burnt, one of his pads were missing, and the belt had been cut in half.

He still had that damn smile on his face.

Don heard Raph swallow next to him.

“...Is he…”

Don kneeled and tried to push aside all the panic he was feeling inside. He knew he had to do this. He reached his hand and placed his fingers to Leo’s neck, trying, _hoping_ , to find a pulse.

He was about to give up when he felt it. The weakest of heartbeats.

“He… He’s alive. But…” Something was wrong. Don moved his hand to Leo’s face and all the relief he had been feeling a second ago washed away immediately. “He’s not breathing! Raph, count for me!”

Donatello quickly moved to the side of his brother on his knees and made sure that Leo’s airways were clear before tilting his head carefully backwards. He then placed his hands on the already damaged plastron and started pushing. They had all gone through some basic first-aid training for situations like this, just in case. Although they had hoped they would never have to use this particular skill.

“One, two, three, four, five…” Raph knew that it was easy to get lost in count when doing CPR, especially in a situations like this. He himself preferred to focus on the counting rather than thinking about the situation anyway. “..twenty-eight, twenty-nine, thirty.”

Don moved his hands, first one to keep Leo’s nose shut and another to his chin, keeping the mouth open. Don blew two deep breaths to his brother’s mouth, making sure that his chest was moving when he did so, and then returned to the chest compressions.

30 pushes.

Two breaths.

30 pushes.

Two breaths.

They continued for what felt like hours, but must have been merely minutes.

Leo still wasn’t breathing.

“Don…” Raph tried to look into Don’s eyes, but the other was refusing to look up. Raph couldn’t bare it anymore.

“No keep counting!” Donatello kept his eyes on his hands, ignoring the teardrops that were falling on them.

“Don’t ya think it’s been too lon-”

“I’M NOT GIVING UP!” Don snapped. “KEEP COUNTING!”

Raph swallowed again.

“...Fifteen, sixteen, seventeen…”

Two breaths.

30 pushes.

Two breaths.

30 pushes.

\---

“They are still doing CPR,” Mikey whispered to the Shell Cell he was still holding on his ear, looking through the open doors.

“ _They have been doing it for only ten minutes, Mikey,_ ” April’s voice managed to be soothing, even though Mikey knew she was worried sick as well. “ _There’s still plenty of time. And Casey and I are almost there, and then we’ll try to help too._ ”

Michelangelo didn’t answer. He just kept staring at the other end of the big room, where he could see two of his brothers kneeled around what he assumed to be Leo.

He still didn’t know how bad the situation was.

Mike sniffed and tried to wipe away some of his tears. The shaky hand that had barely kept the turtle grounded during the phone call gave his shoulder a squeeze, trying to offer him some sort of comfort. Mikey knew that his father wasn’t in any better shape than he was, and he wished he could do something to help the rat, but he had nothing to offer.

After a couple more minutes Mikey could see Don practically collapse on top of Leo’s body. Raph stood up soon after, and Mikey prepared himself for the worst news of his life.

“HE’S BREATHIN’!”

Mike started sobbing harder, relief flooding through him. He felt Master Splinter collapse to his knees behind him, and even though it was something they very rarely did anymore, Mikey turned around to hug the rat tightly, ignoring the pain radiating from his leg. The gesture was clearly welcomed, as Master Splinter’s arms were wrapped around the turtle instantly.

“ _Mikey?_ ” April sounded very worried now. “ _Casey, go faster!_ ”

“He’s alive,” Mikey sobbed. “He’s alive.”

“ _Oh thank goodness. Mikey, we are just two minutes away. Are you guys able to get him to the surface?_ ”

“I… I don’t know. Maybe?” He turned his head to take a look at the other turtles. Don was standing up now, shaking, while Raph had kneeled down again to carefully pick up their oldest brother. Mikey swallowed.

“He looks so…” Dead. Leo looked dead, lying limply on the arms of Raph as they walked closer. He was bloody, and all the burn marks on his skin were hard to look at.

At least he wasn’t in pieces.

Master Splinter released Michelangelo, and while the turtle would have loved to remain in the calming embrace, he knew that the rat wanted to get a closer look at his injured son. So Mikey let go as well, remaining on the floor alone. _He_ didn’t want to see Leo’s injuries any closer than he had to - he knew that the events of today would haunt his nightmares even without such close details.

Master Splinter carefully walked closer to Raphael, who seemingly refused to let go of Leo. The rat gently put one of his hands on top of Leo’s head, trying to avoid the burnt parts of the skin, stroking the side of Leo’s face softly.

“He is very weak,” Don whispered. He looked exhausted after the extensive period of CPR.

“But he is alive.” Splinter’s voice was hoarse and full of relief. “You did well, my sons.”

There was a flash of guilt on Raph’s face, but he was able to cover it up quickly. No one questioned it.

Mike was able to hear quick footsteps from his Shell Cell.

“April and Casey are here,” he informed the others weakly.

“We can’t go yet,” Don looked around, trying to locate his bag. “We need to stop the bleeding, otherwise he’ll… he’ll…”

“Shouldn’t we just get outta here as soon as possible?” Raph’s hold on Leo tightened slightly. Don saw his bag which had flown to the corner of the room and went to get it, despite looking like he could collapse at any second.

“No. I mean… yes. But I don’t want to... take any risks. He has lost so much blood already, I don’t… It’s better that I do it now.” With shaky hands, Don pulled out gauzes from his bag and sat down to the floor, turning to look at Raph. “...You need to put him down. Just… be gentle, okay?”

For a second Raph wanted to refuse. He really didn’t want to let go, hoping that he would… do what? Keep Leo safe? That… that was stupid at this point. He knew that Donnie was right. Of course he was.

With uncharacteristically careful movements, Raph kneeled down and laid Leo on the floor before taking a step back. He was vaguely aware of the fact that he was now covered in blood that was definitely not his.

Donnie tried to move as quickly as he could, trying his best to focus on stopping Leo's bleeding above everything else. He would have to do this all over again when they got back home, but something had to be done right now. With his trembling hands, Don covered a wound after another. Master Splinter was next to Leo's head, speaking to him softly, telling him to wake up, and Don didn't really know if he should tell that it was useless or not.

Mikey couldn't help but stare.

" _Mikey? Are you still there?_ " April's voice snapped the youngest turtle from his daze.

"Uh… sure am. What… what is it?"

" _Casey and I found an elevator, I think it's still functional. We will head down there right now and-_ "

"No," Mikey interrupted weakly. "It's… it's better if you don't come here."

" _But Mikey-_ "

"April I'm serious. And that's saying something, right?" Mikey tried to laugh, but it didn't come out right. "We will come up there. I think Donnie's… he's done with… with helping Leo, we will come up there soon. Where's the elevator?"

April still hesitated a bit, but ended up giving Mikey vague instructions on how to get to the elevator. The mutants would have to go back the same way they had entered, and just walk straight until they would find the elevator at the end of the hallway.

After a couple more minutes Don was as done with the bandaging as he could be in such situation. He glanced at Raph, about to ask whether he would be able to carry Leo again, but the older turtle was already kneeling on the ground before Don was able to open his mouth.

“...Be careful,” he reminded, but received no answer. When Raph got back up again, Don was able to see how he was still wobbly and struggled to walk straight, especially with the limp turtle on his arms, but Don trusted his brother. Raph wouldn’t allow Leo to fall.

Instead Don went to help Mikey off the floor. The youngest turtle was glad to be upwards again, but leaned heavily on Don in hopes of finding both physical and emotional support. Mikey’s eyes drifted off to Leo again, just for a second before he forced them to Splinter instead.

“Sensei, do you need help?” The rat was still sitting on the floor, but upon hearing Mikey’s question he slowly got up.

“No. I have rested enough.” His voice was weak, something that the turtles weren’t used to hearing. But even now, the rat stood straight with dignity, collecting all the power within himself, and slowly, with the assistance of his walking stick, lead his sons to the hallway.

Everyone was completely silent as they walked. Their progress was rather slow with so many of them injured, but they knew that the faster they would get out the better. They felt like they were in a daze, as the events that had taken place that night had started to slowly sink in.

Eventually they reached the elevator, which was in fact still working. Maybe Stockman had used it to move to the lab and back out, not that anyone really cared. Once they were all standing inside, Mikey finally hang up the phone call with April. He hadn’t really been paying any attention to her occasional reassurances anyways.

Casey and April were waiting right outside the elevator, and were rightfully shocked to see the condition of their friends. The humans tried to ask what exactly had happened, since Mikey hadn’t been able to explain much in his distraught state, but received no answer. 

They were disappointed, but not surprised. 

Deciding that it was better to ask a bit later, April lead the whole group through the remains of the Stocktronics-building to what once had been the entrance of the building.

Casey had parked their van right outside the building. Master Splinter climbed to the backseat first, requesting that when Leonardo would be laid down at the back, his head would be placed to the rat's lap. 

No one had any complaints.

But Donatello grimly reminded him to keep an eye on Leo's breathing.

When everyone was in the van, Casey started driving.

"So... where to?" he asked. Everyone looked at each other, unsure of what to do.

"The farmhouse?" Mike suggested after a moment. Casey nodded.

"No, we need to go to the lair first,” Don objected quietly. "We need equipment, all the medical stuff we have, and whatever else we might need as well. And I think it would be better to go there with the Battle Shell, it has more space and we can… we can put Leo to a bed there."

Casey nodded again.

"Right. To the lair then."

\---

They decided that it would be the best to start driving to Northampton in the morning. Donatello wanted everyone to be patched up before leaving, the packing would take a while, and it would be better to drive with more light anyway.

“I’ll stay here,” April offered immediately when the plan was announced. “I can help with the first-aid.”

“I’ll stay too!” Casey promised right after her. “I’ll… uh… I’ll… Make some tea?” He didn’t really know what to do, but he wanted to be there for his friends, so he disappeared to the kitchen.

Don tried to immediately go to the med-bay where Leo had been carried to, but April stopped him.

“You need some first-aid as well, Donnie.”

“Leo needs me, April, I need to make sure that-”

“You will,” April interrupted gently, while making sure that Don actually sat down to the couch. “You will be more helpful after getting some bandages yourself.”

April tried to work as quickly as possible, she knew that the sooner Don would be able to go the better. The turtle had been the one with the least injuries in the first place, and after fifteen minutes of cleaning up and bandaging, he was already able to head off back to the med-bay.

Donatello stopped at the doorway, just for a second, trying to calm down. He was still feeling like he really wasn’t himself, more like his body was on autopilot, but he thought that maybe it would be better in this situation. The panic and the fear he still held inside of him felt distant, and probably wouldn’t bother him while he took care of Leo. At least he hoped so - Don needed all the focus he had.

Don left the door open, and started working.

Leo's condition was just as bad as Donnie had feared. The first thing the turtle did was to check Leo’s breathing again, and while he was glad that it was still very much present, it was weak and shallow. He would need an oxygen mask, but Donnie couldn’t bring himself to place the mask before cleaning up Leo’s bloody face a little. The bandages Don had wrapped around Leo earlier had turned red, meaning that those should definitely be changed. After carefully unwrapping his previous work, he moved to cut off the remains of Leo’s blue mask, and dipped a clean cloth to warm water before wiping it on his brother’s face. The left side of Leo’s face was covered in burn marks, and Don knew he would have to apply lotion them later as well, but right now focused just on getting the dried blood off.

When Don felt that he had gotten enough blood off, he went to get the oxygen mask. Right when the mask was properly on Leo’s face, Master Splinter slowly walked in.

“Is everything okay?” Don asked him immediately, hoping that there would be no more bad news tonight. The rat didn’t answer at first, but walked to a chair that was located in one corner of the room and sat down.

“As ‘okay’ as things can be in a situation like this,” he finally answered. “April informed me that I have some fractured ribs, but even those do not require intensive care. I just need to be careful. Some wounds on my arm, but they should heal soon.”

“I see…” Don felt relieved. Master Splinter was okay, he just wanted to be there. The turtle understood, and was in fact glad to have some… conscious company, even if he didn’t exactly feel like talking at the moment. He headed to the sink - the water in his bucket needed to be changed. Splinter looked back and forth between Don and Leo for a while before he got up again and walked to the bed where the injured turtle was lying.

“I will help you with the cleaning,” he told, sounding determined.

“Are you sure? You should rest, fractured ribs are no joke-”

“No. I _will_ help you.”

Don couldn’t argue back, so he just nodded.

They worked in complete silence, but together they were able to clean the rest of Leo without any difficulties, although it took them a while. Don went to pour out the red water again, while Splinter removed all the remaining equipment Leo was still wearing.

Someone knocked on the door while Don was preparing for cleaning Leo’s wounds with antiseptic cleanser. The door was opened carefully, and Casey walked in, holding a tray with two cups.

“I brought ya guys some tea,” he told them, and put the tray down on a table. “...How’s it goin’?”

“It’s a long process,” Don said, not sure how to answer. “How are the others?”

“Uh… April’s still takin’ care of Mike, I think she’s ‘bout to-” A loud yelp from Mikey interrupted him. “Yup, she set the bone on his leg. Apparently he needs crutches for a month, which he ain’t happy ‘bout, but ya do what ya gotta do. Raph…” Casey rubbed his neck a little. “Raph’s been in the shower for a while now. Guess I gotta go check on him next, make sure that the concussion hasn’t made a comeback.”

Don just hummed in response. Master Splinter went to get a cup of tea, and returned to the chair he had sat on briefly before.

“Thank you, Casey,” the rat said before taking a sip. The man just nodded and stood there for a moment awkwardly, before leaving the room.

Don returned his full attention to Leo. Warm tea sounded amazing for his numb mind, but he didn’t want to take any brakes, so he started cleaning Leo’s multiple gashes and wounds with the antiseptic instead. Some of them required stitching, which was the next step after Don was sure that he had done everything to make sure that the wounds wouldn’t get infected.

Next was the broken arm. Don hesitated.

“Master Splinter? Could you… help me a little? Just in case.”

“Of course.” The rat set his teacup back to the tray next to the other, untouched cup and made his way back to the bed. “What do you need me to do?”

“The bones of his arm will heal incorrectly if I don’t set them now. Could you... hold him? Just in case?”

The rat nodded, and put his hands gently but firmly on Leo’s shoulders, while Don took a hold of his left arm.

“Ready?”

“Ready.”

While the bones crunched a little, Don kept his eyes on Leo’s face, daring to hope a little. But there was no reaction. None at all. Don swallowed. That wasn’t a good sign.

“...That was it. Thank you.”

“Is there anything else I can do?” Master Splinter asked, still keeping his hands on Leo.

“No, I… I just have to apply lotion to the burns and finish the bandaging. And then attach a heart rate monitor and the IV, and then that’s it. It’s better that I do those on my own.”

It took him half an hour to finish. Soft beeping of machines filled the room, and a wave of exhaustion washed over Don. He had done everything he could. Leo was now covered in bandages from head to toe, the green skin barely visible. The idea that Leo almost looked like a mommy crossed Don’s mind, and he might have laughed if the situation had been any less dire.

“He’s lucky he’s a turtle,” Don muttered more to himself than to Splinter. “His shell took a lot of the damage that would have gone straight to his inner organs. If he was human, he would be…” He didn’t want to finish the sentence. Silence overtook the room.

“All we can do now is wait,” Master Splinter said after a while, eyes focused on Leo. “And hope for the best.”

Don just hummed in response. The numbness was overtaking him again now that he didn’t have anything to focus on. Splinter turned to look at the turtle.

“You should try to rest, my son. You have worked hard tonight. I will stay here.”

Don wanted to say that the rat should get some rest as well, but only nodded. Master Splinter moved his chair next to the bed, seemingly determined to stay there for the rest of the night. Don made his way to the door, glancing back to the room one last time. Splinter was cradling the tainted blue mask in his hands.

“...Good night, Sensei.”

“Good night, Donatello.”

Don shut the door behind him.

\---

Leo was officially in coma.

The three-hour drive to the farmhouse was very quiet - no one had been able to sleep the previous night. April occasionally tried to create a conversation, but her heart wasn’t really in it. Everyone was just listening to the steady beeps of the heart rate monitor and purring of Klunk, who Mike had refused to leave behind.

Eventually Casey parked the Battle Shell right in front of the entrance of the farmhouse. The vehicle was loaded full with everything they had deemed would be necessary during their stay, and Leo had been placed on a stretcher to assure a more comfortable place for resting.

“Maybe we should get Leo to a bed upstairs this time,” Don suggested, mentally cringing to the fact that there was a ‘this time’. “The couch isn’t that comfortable.

“Can we get him up the stairs?” Raph questioned, stretching his still slightly sore shoulder. April had offered him a sling last night, but he had refused to take it.

“We will have to take him off of the stretcher and just carry him, but I think we can.”

Don detached the finger clip that was forwarding Leo’s vitals to the monitor, so that the unconscious turtle could be moved more easily. Casey jumped out of the Battle Shell to open the doors of the farmhouse, while Don and Raph took a hold of Leo, lifting him and carrying him to the house.

“Ya should go to the first guest room,” Casey suggested, and moved upstairs to open the door of the said room. Don and Raph moved slowly and carefully, but were eventually able to make it to upstairs with Leo. After Leo was safely on the bed, Donatello hurried back downstairs to take as much medical equipment to the guest room as he could while the others unpacked.

When Don returned to the guest room, he saw that Raph was still standing next to the bed, looking at his older brother, lost in thought.

“He’ll be fine,” Don tried to comfort both Raph and himself. Raphael didn’t say anything, but stayed on his spot anyway. Don started reattaching the necessary machines to Leo.

“Why did he do that?” Raph’s voice broke the silence, sounding almost angry. “I mean, if it had been one of us even considerin’ that, he would have flipped and said that there was no chance. But then he goes and does it, and it’s somehow okay? Such a hypocrite.”

“I don’t know,” Don answered truthfully while putting the finger clip back on Leo. “We’ll have to wait ‘till he wakes up and ask.”

“If he wakes up…” the other turtle muttered.

“Raph…”

“We’re all thinkin’ ‘bout it! Just dancin’ ‘round it doesn’t make it any less real ya know.”

“I know, but-”

“But what? I ain’t gonna pretend that what happened didn’t happen, or that I would be okay with it. He blew himself up without sayin’ anythin’ to us, Donnie, I feel like I have every right to be pissed.”

“...I guess you’re right.”

Raph just huffed. He seemed to have talked enough, since he turned around and left the room soon after. Don just sighed and remained standing for a while before forcing himself to move again. He had to finish setting up, he would need to change Leo’s bandages and apply lotion his burns once again as soon as possible.

\---

An hour later Don headed downstairs to the sitting area where everyone else were just hanging around, managing to keep up a light conversation. Don dragged a chair from the dining table to where the others were and sat down.

“We need to start coming here in other occasions than when one of us is hurt. You know, get actually good memories and all,” Mikey tried to joke while petting Klunk on the couch.

“We did some fun stuff the last time we were here!” Casey reminded. “Although... I... guess the reason we were here in the first place was so you guys could heal so... nevermind.”

“This is the second time we are here because Leo got hurt,” Donatello said absentmindedly, more to himself than anyone, but the general atmosphere in the room changed immediately. April and Casey glanced at each other.

“Guys… I know it must be hard to talk about,” April started carefully, “but Casey and I still have no idea what happened.”

The members of the mutant family looked at each other. With a heavy sigh, Splinter started to tell them what exactly had happened. That his sons were investigating the Mousers. That they traced the signal to the Stocktronics Corporation. That he had requested to accompany them on their mission. About the fight. How they got injured. And the explosion.

His voice only started shaking when he reached that last part.

“And I believe that you know the rest.”

The room was quiet.

“That… that must have been horrible,” April said quietly after a while. “I’m so sorry.”

“Wish I could have been there to help ya out, maybe then…” Casey’s voice was apologetic.

“I don’t think ya bein’ there would have changed anythin’, Case,” Raph huffed, still feeling somewhat frustrated because of the situation.

Mikey sniffed a bit.

“We still have no idea _why_ he thought that doing that was the right option,” Don added. “I mean, it was quite an extreme choice, I would say.”

April bit her lip, thinking.

“I guess… I guess he couldn’t handle feeling like a failure anymore,” she stated.

In a blink of an eye, Raph was on his feet.

“ARE YA IMPLYIN’ THAT LEO’S A FAILURE OR SOMETHIN’?” He was furious now, seemingly ready to attack April.

“RAPHAEL!” Master Splinter’s voice was stern, but Raph refused to back down. Casey moved closer to Raph, ready to fight him if it came down to that.

“What?! No, I would never!” the woman looked rightfully shocked about the turtle’s outburst. “I just… Didn’t he tell you guys?”

“Tell us what, April?” Don was on the edge of his seat as well, ready to hold Raph back if necessary.

“He… Remember the last time we were here, and we went to the river? And met the merpeople and took down the powerplant? We were by the campfire, you guys were telling jokes but Leo was standing further away and I went to talk with him, since he had started to act a bit weird and he said… ...He really didn’t tell you?” April was feeling uncomfortable, but the bewildered looks on the faces of her mutant friends and the brief shake of Mikey’s head told her everything she needed to know. She would need to continue.

“He told me that… after your last fight with the Shredder, he was feeling like ‘a complete failure’, and was blaming himself for what happened then, that he wasn’t able to protect you guys. And, and I just assumed that during these last couple of months when he was still acting so… differently, I thought that the same thing was still bothering him.”

The room was silent again. Raph slumped back to his seat, covering his face with his hands.

“And I thought he was bein’ moody ‘cause Karai stabbed him,” he mumbled. “Shell…”

“If you really think about it,” Don said quietly, shock written all over his face, “he really has been showing signs of depression, anxiety and even PTSD. How… how did I miss that?”

“I’m so sorry, I would have told you sooner but… I was so sure that he would have told you on his own, I…” April looked around in the room, trying to look someone in the eyes.

“I am certain no one is blaming you, April.” Master Splinter looked extremely troubled by the news he had just heard, but met April’s eyes with dignity. “Sometimes it is easier to discuss difficult subjects with the ones close, but not too close.”

“‘I do what I have to to protect this family’,” Mikey suddenly said. Everyone turned to look at him, but the turtle’s eyes were focused on Klunk, who was now sleeping on his lap. “He said that once. We kinda ignored it then, I mean, a lot of stuff happened immediately after it but... You don’t think… You don’t think he did... what he did yesterday because of us? To protect us?”

This time Master Splinter stood up.

“I will go and... meditate now,” he hastily informed everyone. No one questioned his sudden decision to go - the rat probably wanted some privacy after everything he had just learnt. As did the rest of his family. One by one, the turtles came up with different excuses to leave the room - Raph suddenly wanted some fresh air, Mike needed to rest his leg in a bed upstairs, and Don said he should check on Leo.

When they were left alone, Casey put his hand on April’s shoulder and gave it a squeeze.

“You did the right thing, babe.”

April just nodded, feeling too emotionally exhausted to even protest the nickname.

\---

Once Don was back in Leo’s room, he closed the door behind him. He was feeling dizzy, and hurried to sit down in an armchair located at the corner of the room before he would collapse on the floor. The turtle leaned back, eyes closed.

How was he supposed to handle the news he had just heard? That Leo had been suffering silently for months now, and he hadn’t been able to help him. Had he really been that blind this whole time and not seen all the symptoms Leo had been showing?

General grumpiness. The sudden mood swings, especially to anger and aggression. Isolating himself from the others. Recklessness when it came to his own safety. The overly excessive training. Hardly talking, ever. Wanting everything to go perfectly.

The list could go on and on.

_If I had noticed it sooner, would we be in this situation right now? ___

____

____

Don took a shaky breath. Maybe they wouldn’t. Maybe his brother wouldn’t be possibly dying right now, if he had done his job and taken care of the well-being of the others. He had let Leo down. Like he had done before, and Leo had grown old and bitter and gone blind and died right in front of him and-

_No. Stop. That wasn’t real. It was another dimension, a part of the multiverse. You came back. It’ll be okay, that won’t happen. Deep breaths, Donatello, deep breaths._

The tight feeling in Don’s chest only managed to get worse.

He hadn’t really had panic attacks before he had been sent to that possible future. For a while he had thought that he would be able to forget everything he had seen and move on with his life, but then the nightmares and random panic attacks made their way into his life. But with the support of others, he had been able to get over what he saw and move on with his life. Well. At least a little.

_Leo supported me back then, I should have been able to do the same now. I should have done something._

At least he hadn’t let Leo die right in front of him. Again. So Don had pushed himself to his limits and beyond with the CPR. He didn’t blame Raphael at all for telling him to stop, he knew the situation had felt hopeless. But he hadn't stopped before he had been able to hear the first breath that Leo took on his own. The best sound in the world.

Don had brought him back. He would be alright.

_But will he really?_

Another shaky breath.

In all honesty, Don had no idea how badly Leo had actually been injured. After all, he had been right on top of an explosion. His head had gotten hit pretty bad at least, but how were his inner organs? Was the plastron enough to protect them? Don couldn't perform a proper surgery or look for a reference from any medical source, so all he could do was to hope for the best.

The first time the oldest turtle had gotten seriously injured by the Shredder, Don had been able to do nothing. All he could to do was to believe in what Master Splinter had said, try to talk to Leo and reach out to him, but it hadn’t felt like enough. So after those events, Don had read through every single thing about medical procedures he was able to find, trying to learn as much as possible so that if something bad happened to any of them ever again, they wouldn’t need to rely on just hoping.

Because of that, he was now the one who was always trusted when there was an injury. Don felt like all the pressure was on him now. He was the only one who could take care of Leo.

_Is this the kind of crushing responsibility Leo has been feeling all the time?_

Everyone was trusting Don now, and not knowing everything about Leo’s condition was tearing him apart. It’s not like he could find any sort of files about the bodily functions of mutant turtles, he just had to improvise and wish that he would do the right decision. But his family was depending on Don knowing what to do. Leo's _life_ was depending on Don knowing what to do. And he just… didn't. The pressure and responsibility were almost too much to handle. What if Don did something wrong? What if it was _his_ mistake that caused his brother's death?

_Just like before._

Don felt warm liquid roll down his cheeks.

He couldn't handle it if that happened. He would push himself harder than he had ever before if it meant that Leo was going to be okay.

He wouldn’t watch Leonardo die the second time.

\---

Hours later, when he assumed that everyone had gone to sleep, Donatello was still sitting in the guest room that Leo’s now. He had been able to calm himself down hours ago, but something about sitting there made him feel just a little bit better.

Around midnight Don heard noises from the hallway, and soon the door to the guest room opened.

“Oh. Can’t sleep either?” Mikey had stopped at the door when he realised that someone was already sitting there. Don shook his head.

“Are you surprised?”

“Not really…” The younger turtle walked in with the help of his crutches. “Didn’t get any last night either.”

“Ya ain’t the only one,” a new voice joined in, as Raph walked inside after Mikey.

“It has barely been 24 hours,” Don reminded them. “This is a completely natural behaviour at this point.”

“I suppose…” Raph sat to the floor next to the bed where Leo was lying. Mikey soon sat down next to him.

The three turtles were quiet for a while, not really knowing what to say.

“Ya know,” Raph finally said, “I’m still pissed off. Because Leo went and blew himself up. And because he never talked to us about the stuff he told April. I mean, we’re his friggin’ brothers, ya would think that he would trust us enough to tell us if somethin’ like that was botherin’ him.”

“I think it’s like Master Splinter said,” Mikey commented. “Maybe we were too close and he didn’t feel comfortable telling us that. Or maybe if he thought that we would laugh at him or something, dunno. But I’m sure he had his reasons.”

“I still think that I should have noticed that something was wrong,” Don mumbled. “I mean, of course I noticed that something was wrong, I just didn’t connect the dots. But I should have. It’s my duty to make sure that everyone’s okay, both mentally and physically”

“Don’t go down that road Donnie.” Raph rolled his eyes. “We all should have noticed and done somethin’. But we didn’t. It’s not yer fault.”

“Maybe, but-”

“Shut it. And besides, yer doin’ more than any of us to make sure he’ll be okay now. I mean, yer the one doin’ all the medical stuff, _and_ the one who saved him in the first place, I was ready to give up with the CPR way before ya were.”

“Wait what?”

“Raph-”

“But it’s true! I was tellin’ ya to stop, but ya kept goin’. If ya hadn’t, he would be dead now.” He was silent for a moment and then added, more quietly; “I won’t forgive myself for that.”

“No one’s blaming you Raphie, and I’m sure Leo won’t do that either,” Don tried to comfort his brother, but he had a feeling that it was falling to deaf ears. The silence stretched for a while before Mike cleared his throat.

“Now that we are in a mood to share stuff… Dudes, I’m actually like, really scared,” Mikey admitted. “He’s seriously hurt. And I mean, _really_ seriously hurt. What if… what if he actually dies? Yesterday I already though that he did, and the idea _crushed_ me. And like, I haven’t been to a funeral, how do those things even work? Where would we bury him? _Would_ we bury him, or would we have to burn him to make sure no one ever finds his body and digs it up and does experiments? Or-”

__

“He _won’t_ die,” Raph interrupted. “I’m not lettin’ him.”

__

Mikey sighed.

__

“I’m just... I’m just worried. I know we all are. And it’s not like I don’t trust you Donnie, of course I do, I just… You know.”

__

Donatello was quiet for a moment.

__

“That’s kinda the last thing I said to Leo. He asked me to trust him, and I said ‘of course I do’.” Mikey stared at him for a moment before turning to look at his own hands.

__

“I think I asked him if he was okay. I mean, he was super off then, of course I had to ask. And he told me that I did good. Can you imagine? An actual compliment, I thought he had forgotten how to do those,” Mikey tried to joke, actually managing to smile just a little. The two turtles looked at Raph, expecting him to share a similar story as well, but Raph twitched uncomfortably.

__

“...I can’t remember what was the last thing I said. He told me I would be fine, but I have no idea what was the last thing _I_ said to him. I can’t remember if I even talked to him yesterday. It was probably some fight again, I probably said something terrible and never apologized for it.”

__

Mikey reached to pat Raph’s arm.

__

“I’m sure it was something else than that, bro. You are just overthinking it right now and can’t think of what it really was,” the younger turtle assured. Raph turned his face away from the others.

__

“Do ya think… ya think he thought ‘bout us at all?” Raph’s voice was much thicker than usually. “Ya think he thought ‘bout what we would feel after his stunt?”

__

“...I don’t know,” Don answered truthfully. “If we think about what April said, and you too, Mikey… I think he did it solely because of us. To keep us safe. And… You saw how he acted yesterday. I don’t… Maybe he didn’t think straight. That’s something we need to ask him.”

__

Raph just nodded as a response. A silence fell to the room once again, only disturbed by the beeping of the machines attached to Leo. But this time, it felt more comfortable.

__

“Do ya wanna come in too, Master Splinter?”

__

The rat moved to the doorway. The turtles knew that he had been standing in the hallway for quite some time, but they had been hesitant to call him out. They watched as their father walked to the room, and sat down to a chair next to Leo’s bed.

__

“It was good to listen to you speak, my sons. We need each other's support during these hard times. And perhaps, this is the kind of openness that our family has been lacking as of late.”

__

“Would you like to share as well, Master?” Mikey offered. Master Splinter looked thoughtful for a moment.

__

“A parent’s greatest fear is to lose a child. With you four, that fear has been rooted in me deeper than I care to admit. You are constantly in fights, and have been injured many, many times. And yet, I never seem to be prepared when it happens. I have lost my family once before, and I do not wish for it to happen again.” Splinter paused for a bit, considering his words. 

__

“Seeing your brother in this condition troubles us all, awakening the feelings of guilt inside of us, including me as well. I am your father, and I should have been able to protect you somehow. I even felt that something was about to happen, yet I was unable to prevent it. I fear that it is I who has pushed Leonardo too much, pouring too much responsibility on his shoulders. But that is now in the past, and cannot be changed. All we can hope for now is that each of us is capable of forgiving each other, and we are able to move on.”

__

“I suppose guilt trippin’ runs in the family then,” Raph murmured. Don chuckled a bit, although it was completely humourless.

__

“I guess you could say that. Guilt is what got us here in the first place. Leo has always been the one to take those hits pretty hard,” he said.

__

“Have you been meditating?” Mikey directed his question to Splinter. “Have you… been able to reach him?”

__

The rat sighed heavily.

__

“I have made multiple attempts, but he seems to be out of my reach. I do not know if it is because he is avoiding me, or… because of something else entirely. But as troubling as that may sound, Leonardo is strong, and he loves his family dearly. I do believe that he will do everything in his power to come back to us once again.”

__

Mikey nodded, shifting his gaze to the unconscious turtle.

__

“I just really hate seeing him like this, all… Broken.”

__

“Don’t we all Mikey, don’t we all…”

__

The atmosphere in the room felt more relaxed, almost tired due to the missed sleep the night before. Everyone had poured out their hearts to each other, and found support when they needed it the most. Mikey carefully tried to lean his head on Raph’s uninjured shoulder, and was glad to notice that he wasn’t pushed away.

__

“We should do this more often. Like, not literally _this_ , but talking.”

__

“You are correct, Michelangelo, we should.”

__

No one said anything else, but everyone remained in the room. And in the morning, when Casey was coming upstairs to inform them that breakfast was ready, that’s where he found the family, still sleeping in positions that must not have been comfortable, but at least they looked more peaceful than the night before.

__

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried to figure out the exact layout of the farmhouse for this so I re-watched all the episodes that it was included in. Guess what? It's not consistent. I got so mad at it, I was (and still am) 100% ready to write an academic essay about everything that's wrong with it. So frustrating. This means that I did have to take some "artistic liberties" with this, but I think it's okay.
> 
> Anyway, I think the next chapter will be out during the weekend, but unfortunately I'm not completely sure about the exact date. My general daily schedule has changed, so I can't promise that I'll have enough energy on Friday night to post. I guess I'll try, but we'll see. Thanks for reading though, I still appreciate all feedback, I hope to see you all later this week!


	4. Macrophobia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **A/N:** Hello hello hello, here's the fourth chapter! I still can't believe that there are actually people who are gladly (?) reading this. It absolutely blows my mind, thank you so much.
> 
> Also thank you Jay once again, at this point I can't not thank you here. The fact that I have an amazing friend that willingly reads through a 32k fic from a fandom that she isn't even a part of in advance to help me improve it astonishes me. How lucky can I be?
> 
> \---
> 
> **WARNING:** Includes some mental health issues. Stay safe everyone.

**Chapter 4 - Macrophobia**

_ Fear of long waits _

When Donatello woke up the next morning, the first thing he realised was that his neck hadn’t felt this sore for ages. Why did he end up sleeping like this again? The turtle opened his eyes and looked around in the room, momentary blissful peace disappearing the second he saw Leo.

Right. He was stuck living an actual nightmare.

Don glanced towards the rest of his family. Master Splinter and Raphael seemed to be still asleep, but surprisingly, Mikey was gone already. Thinking that maybe the youngest turtle had simply gone downstairs to get some breakfast, Don got up from his seat, and walked to Leo, thinking that he should check if there had been any changes in his brother's condition.

He knew it was just wishful thinking, but he had to try to stay hopeful.

When he walked past the window in the room, he glanced outside and froze.

_You’ve got to be kidding me…_

Change of plans. Don hurried out of the room quietly, downstairs, and straight outside. Mikey was there, clearly trying to act as if there would be nothing out of ordinary with the situation that Don suddenly found himself in.

“Good morning!” Mikey greeted. “Did you sleep well?”

“Do I want to know how this happened?” Donatello asked ignoring the question, eyes glued to a tree on the backyard of the farmhouse.

“Probably not,” Michelangelo answered, sitting on a branch of the said tree. “It’s a pretty lame story, honestly.”

“U-huh.” Don crossed his arms across his plastron, not quite convinced. “I’m sure that Raph would agree with you.”

“No don’t tell him!” the younger turtle panicked. “He will laugh at me forever! Look, dude, I was outside with Klunk, but then he climbed up here and wouldn’t come down so _I_ had to get up here to help him, which was easy, but once I was up here I realised that I couldn’t climb down with a broken leg. So you gotta help me down from here!”

Don sighed.

“And where’s Klunk?” The kitten was nowhere to be seen.

“Oh he’s back inside of the house, turns out he wasn’t stuck at all.”

Of course.

“Okay, hold up, I’ll climb up there…”

“My saviour! I’ll be forever in your debt!”

“Just try and keep yourself out of trouble and we are even.”

\---

Days passed excruciatingly slow. Leonardo was showing no signs of waking up, and Donatello’s reassurances that it was still completely normal at this point didn’t make anyone feel better about the situation. The life at the farmhouse fell to a hazy routine.

One of the daily tasks was to stretch and move Leo. Don had made it known that they should do everything they could to help Leo’s recovery, and lying in bed for such long periods of times would only do harm for his muscles and movability. Everyone took turns to help, and today it was Master Splinter’s turn to help Don.

While stretching Leo’s right arm, Don started to look thoughtful, and after a while he broke the silence.

“Master, do you… you think we… should tell Usagi what happened? He’s practically best friends with Leo, I’m sure he would like to know, especially if…”

Splinter stopped the stretch he was doing, and directed all his focus on Don.

“Is the situation so dire we need to request friends to arrive for final visits?” Don wondered if his father thought that he was able to keep the worry from his face and voice, but Don wasn’t fooled.

“It’s not, I just… It was just a thought.”

The rat examined his son for a moment, and after coming to the conclusion that he was in fact telling the truth, he visibly relaxed and continued with the stretching.

“The connection between our and Usagi-san’s worlds can be established rather quickly. If the situation so requires, I will inform him, and I am sure he will arrive in a matter of minutes.”

Don just nodded, satisfied with the answer.

\---

After a week had gone by, Casey and April approached the mutant family with guilty looks, telling them that the two needed to return to New York.

“April has to go back to the store, and I have stuff to do as well. You guys can stay as long as you need to, of course, but uh…” Casey was rubbing his neck, eyes glued to the floor.

“I wish we could stay here with you… But I really need to open the shop again to be able to pay my rent next month. I really hate to leave in a situation like this, but...” April’s voice was apologetic as she looked at her friends.

“Do not worry about your return, we understand,” Master Splinter told them. “You have already done a lot for us. We appreciate that.”

Raphael volunteered to give them a ride back home. It would be a long drive, but he wanted to change scenery, even temporarily. Unlike his brothers, who would gladly stay inside as long as they had things to do, Raph needed to get outside every once in a while. The woods surrounding the farmhouse weren’t able to offer him much after a week. Splinter suggested him that he could stay in New York for a while if he wished to, but Raph told him there was no chance.

Early on the next Monday morning, after Raph made Don swear that he would call him immediately if there were any changes in Leo’s condition, the Battle Shell left the farmhouse and headed to New York.

The only word that Raph would come up with to describe the ride would have been pleasant. He, Casey and April were casually chatting most of the time like nothing had ever been wrong in the first place. It was a nice change. Raph was sure that the feeling would change when it was just him in the vehicle, his mind was still a mess, and he wasn’t looking forward to the extra hours of alone with his thoughts.

After almost three hours of driving Raph parked the Battle Shell on an alleyway next to April’s apartment. Eager to get a little break from driving and maybe something to drink, the turtle slipped quickly inside of the building, trying his best to avoid being seen, while April and Casey stayed behind to unpack their things.

Raph was already drinking water in the kitchen when April and Casey walked inside the apartment.

"How long were you planning on staying?" April asked the turtle, putting her bags down to the floor.

"Not long, thirty minutes max."

"Oww really, that soon? What's the rush?" Casey felt April's elbow hit his side immediately after asking the question. "Uh, I mean…"

"It's fine Case."

The previously relaxed atmosphere disappeared in an instance, and was replaced by heavy silence. April was the first one to recover.

"...Well. I will go downstairs now, to get the shop ready to be opened. Stop by there before you leave, okay Raph?"

"Sure thing April."

After giving Raph a small smile and Casey a look, April vanished downstairs. The silence continued for a while, before Casey sighed.

“Look, I’m really sorry man, I didn’t mean to say that.”

“I already said it’s fine Casey. I get it. It can be easy to forget when it’s not _your_ brother who’s-” Raph stopped to take a deep breath. “...Sorry.”

“No I get it. Back when my Pops went after the Purple Dragons and there were those couple of hours when me and Ma had no idea what had happened to him...Yeah, I know how it feels."

Raph wanted to say that Casey really didn't get it, while Casey's father must of course have meant a lot to the man, it wasn't the same as what losing Leo would feel like. They were always together, heck, they were the only creatures like them to ever exist. They shared a special bond. 

And then you see your brother, who you share that special bond with, go and willingly take the risk of dying because his mind was all messed up and he thought it was the right thing to do in order to protect the rest of the family? And then you look for his body, finding it and then giving up on that same brother who just sacrificed everything for you? How was Raph supposed to feel when he saw all the pain Leo was in right now, and heard about all the pain he had been before? See him fight for his life every single day for the past week?

Casey couldn’t possibly know how that felt.

Raph slammed the glass he had been holding on a table, and was both glad and annoyed that it didn't shatter.

"Whatever,” he mumbled. "I'm gonna head out." He started to walk away, but Casey stopped him.

“Raph, listen bud, ya know that ya can talk to me, right? I’m not good with the emotions-stuff, but you are my pal, and I’d be happy to listen if ya felt like it. Got it?” Casey looked sincere, something that wasn’t a common occurrence.

Raph really wanted to answer, but right now the idea of staying in the same room alone with Casey just made him feel worse. He didn’t want to talk about it at all right now, not with Casey, not with anyone. All that he was able to muster was a short nod before hurrying to the stairs. He wasn’t even able to look the man in the eyes.

Down in the shop, April turned her head from the display she was arranging when she heard Raph arriving.

“You’re leaving already?”

“Sure am.”

April sighed.

“Okay, well… Thank you for giving us a ride back. We will try and visit as soon as we can, maybe next weekend. You will give us a call if anything happens, right?”

“If not me then someone else will.”

“Well, drive back safely then.”

April hesitated for a bit, before moving towards Raph, arms extended. The turtle didn’t exactly welcome the gesture, but wasn’t rejecting it either, and soon found himself in a gentle hug.

“Take care of yourself, okay?” April’s voice had a worried undertone. Raph patted her on the back awkwardly.

“Will do my best.”

April let go of the turtle rather quickly, which Raph appreciated, and after a final farewell, he left the shop and hopped back into the Battle Shell. The engine whirred to life.

He had been missing having time just for himself like this, just driving around. Getting a proper amount of privacy in the farmhouse felt hard, so Raph immediately turned on the music as loud as possible, planning on enjoying his time alone to the fullest. It wasn’t quite the same as cruising with his Shell Cycle in the middle of the night, but it’d do.

However, he was barely out of New York when his mind turned back to Leo.

How could Raph have let things to get this bad? What had been the point of no return? When did Leo start feeling the way he did? Was it really back when they had fought the Shredder? Or was it even before that? Leo had always been the one having the strings in his hands, right?

_No_ , a voice inside of Rap’s head said immediately. _It was when he became the leader._

Oh how Raph had envied Leo back then. Thinking that he should have been the leader, not his brother. He was a better fighter, surely he would have been a better leader.

No, that pesky voice said again.

And it was right. Raph knew he would have crumbled under all the pressure that being the leader meant. To be accountable for the actions of his brothers, to make all the plans, to be the responsible one…

But Leo had seemed fine with it. Sure, he had changed, became more serious and more focused, even back then, but he still knew how to relax and have fun with the other turtles. Sometimes he even seemed to _enjoy_ all the extra training that he had went through.

And then he had changed again. After the Shredder.

So, no. While being the leader surely had had its toll on Leo, it wasn’t the full story.

_I surely haven’t helped with things either._

Raph glared at the road in front of him. He really hadn’t. Constantly pushing Leo’s buttons and disobeying his orders because Raph thought he knew better. Had he really caused that much extra worry for his brother with his actions? Had he unintentionally pushed Leo further away from him to the point that the older turtle wasn’t comfortable sharing his worries with Raph anymore?

Did Leo think that Raph wouldn’t have his back, well, shell, at all times?

_I guess I can’t really blame him. I was ready to let him die while he was still alive._

He didn’t really know what had hit him back then. He had thought that it had been too long already, that they were too late, and something about seeing Donnie trying his hardest to revive their brother had broken something inside of him. The dread and the heaviness had overtaken his mind, and he just couldn’t bare to look at the scene in front of him anymore. So he gave up. And he had tried to make Donnie give up too. Luckily he didn’t.

_Donnie would be a great leader. If…_

And then afterwards, carrying the broken and bruised body of his brother? Being aware of how weak he was and afraid to break him even more? Spending over two hours in the shower, feeling like Leo’s blood would never leave his skin? It had been horrible, but it had also been the least he could do. His shoulder had ached worse than ever had, but Raph hadn’t cared. He would do it million times more if necessary.

He just hoped that it compensated a little bit of what he had almost done.

_Imagine if he had died there, in your arms-_

NO NO NO NO NO. He didn’t want to think about that. Not now, not ever. Raph shook his head, trying to focus on anything else. The road ahead of him, the surroundings, the familiar landmarks. For his surprise, he was much closer to Northampton than he had initially thought.

_Guess I was guilt tripping a bit too hard there, lost track of time and forgot where I was._

He decided that for the rest of the ride, he would actively push away all of his thoughts. Just listen to the music still blaring from the speakers and enjoy the peace that he still had left on his drive. That way he would be able to keep his sanity in control.

He was still 10 minutes away from the farmhouse when his Shell Cell rang.

“Yeah?” Raph didn’t really bother to check who was calling, just wanting to get over with it and enjoy his last minutes of solitude.

“ _Where are you?_ ” Donnie’s voice was heavy with an emotion that Raph didn’t quite recognise. From the background, he could hear the way too familiar sniff of Mikey.

_Leo._

“Just five minutes away,” he answered and made sure he was driving as fast as he could. “Why?”

“ _Just… hurry up. Come straight to Leo’s room._ ”

“...Don. Did somethin’ happen?”

The line was silent. Donatello had hung up.

Shell.

At this point Raph was definitely driving faster than it was safe to do, but he had to get there _right now_.

Just a couple more minutes.

_What could have have happened? Don didn’t sound particularly happy, and Mikey was there, apparently crying. Something bad must have happened. Did he get worse all of a sudden?_

He could already see the farmhouse.

_Oh god. He’s dying, isn’t he? That’s why Donnie didn’t want to say anything on the phone. That’s why I need to get there as soon as possible. I need to say goodbye._

Raph felt numb as he stopped the Battle Shell and jumped out of the vehicle, not bothering to turn off the music or shut the door behind him.

_What was the last thing I said to him that he actually heard?!_

To the house. To the stairs. 

_...What if he’s already dead?_

To Leo’s room.

There he was. Leonardo. In bed, surrounded by the rest of his family. Completely still, all the machines still attached to him. 

Eyes open, blinking slowly.

Raph felt like he could collapse on the floor.

Don turned to look at him, smiling.

“He opened them a little while ago, while I was checking on his injuries. I guess he’s still in pain... He’s not exactly conscious yet, he isn’t responding, but it’s better than coma, right?”

“So your brother is still in pain?” Master Splinter sounded worried.

“I mean, yes, and no. Yes, he is still in pain, but in this state, he can’t feel it, it’s just a reflex.”

“It’s nothing permanent though, right?” Mikey looked at Don, biting his bottom lip.

“No. Or at least, I don’t think so. It’s another stage of recovery, meaning that he is doing a lot better already. But then again… Until I’m able to do a thorough examination, I can’t rule out the possibility of serious brain damage. But this is still a good sign, better than coma at least.” Don was now moving around the room, gathering some supplies. Leo, whose eyes hadn’t been focused on anything the entire time they were open, slowly closed his eyelids again.

Raph was still standing in the doorway.

“I thought… I thought that he had died,” he whispered. _Again_ , he added silently.

“Yeah uh… I guess it was my fault, sorry,” Don said apologetically. “I had to hurry up to check his eyes while they were still open.”

“I… It’s okay, I just… I just…” _I just got scared._ Raph really didn’t feel like admitting it out loud, but he had a feeling that his family knew anyway.

He tried his best to force his still rapidly beating heart to calm down, and walked to stand right next to the bed.

Leo was fine. Or, more accurately, he would be fine

Raph still couldn’t help but take his older brother’s hand and hold it tightly.

\---

During the next week Master Splinter insisted that Don and Raph would continue their training as they had been completely healed from their injuries. Too much resting would only do harm for their skills, and that is why they found themselves in the barn one evening, ready to spar under the sharp eyes of their father.

“What I don’t get,” Raph protested after some warm ups, “is why _he_ has to be here as well.” His accusing finger was pointing at Michelangelo, who was sitting on a chair, grinning wider than he had in days.

“While your brother is still in no condition to do physical training, Raphael,” Master Splinter explained, “he can still train his mind. That is why Michelangelo will assist me with the evaluation of your techniques.”

“I’m very eager to start this training, Master!” Mikey beamed. “I just wish we had some popcorn as well!”

“Are you sure he will be helpful?” Don’s voice was full of doubt.

“I am most certain. Now, begin!”

Don barely had enough time to register the answer when Raph was already attacking him. With a swift block with his bo, Don jumped a bit further away to evaluate the situation.

"Too slow Raphie!" Mikey yelled from the sidelines.

Raphael's face twitched, but he was able to ignore his younger brother - for now. Instead he tried to attack again, but Don was easily able to jump out of his way with the help of his staff, and soon Raph could feel something wooden to hit his shell.

"You were even _slower_ this time!"

Raph just gritted his teeth and turned around, trying to land some punches on his brother. But Donatello could see them coming and easily dodged them.

“C’mon, are you even trying?”

Another twitch on Raph’s face. Don knew that Mikey was really ticking the other turtle off, and Don suspected that Master Splinter had brought Mikey here to serve as a distraction rather than actual help with evaluation. Either way, Don didn’t have any difficulties dodging and countering the hits that were coming his way.

That didn’t stop Raph from trying though, even when Mikey’s taunts were seriously starting to get on his nerves. After three more minutes of sparring, he still hadn’t hit Don even once.

“You are supposed to _hit_ him Raph, not EEEEP!” Mikey leaped for cover, dodging the sai that flew through the air towards his general direction.

“Raphael!” Master Splinter was not pleased. “You are fighting Donatello, not Michelangelo.”

“I know Master…” the turtle snarled and went to retrieve the sai he had thrown in anger. “He was just startin’ to annoy me.”

“You need to focus on the battle at hand, my son. Even a simple distraction can change the course of a fight in an instant.”

“Yes Master.”

“Good. Now, start again.”

And they did. Mikey soon recovered from the attempted attack, and it only seemed to fuel his snarky comments. Raph was hardly able to concentrate for more than three and a half minutes at once, and every time his attention slipped, Master Splinter told him to focus and start the fight again.

They had to restart eleven times before Splinter was satisfied.

\---

_Mikey was standing in the middle of their lair, but didn’t see anyone else. Four steps, and he was standing outside their dojo. He opened the door, only to see Klunk eating pizza in the corner of the room._

_“Silly cat, you’re not allowed in here! Your paws can’t hold on to the weapons!”_

_“Why didn’t you focus, Michelangelo?” the cat questioned, not really looking up from its meal. Mikey frowned, but closed the door, leaving Klunk alone to the dojo and turned around._

_He was now standing in the warehouse where they had fought the new Mousers for the first time._

_“Oh wow, ol’ Baxter’s lab sure looks different!” Mike muttered while looking around._

_The Mousers were back._

_Mikey reached for his nunchakus, only to find that he didn’t have them with him._

_“What the shell?! Where are the Chucks?!”_

_He heard noises in front of him, and lifted his gaze, only to see Leo surrounded by what must have been at least one hundred Mousers. Where had Leo even come from? Mikey could have sworn he was alone there only a second ago… But it didn’t really matter, he had to help the leader. Mikey tried to run, immediately falling on the floor - his legs weren’t moving, at all._

_“Oh c’mon not now!” Mikey tried to crawl, but no matter how hard he tried, he just wasn’t moving forward. Leo was still too far away, and the other turtle was just standing there and smiling at Mikey._

_“You did good, Mikey.” Leo’s voice sounded like it came right next to him, but his brother was so far away, it was impossible._

_“Leo run away!” Mikey tried to yell, but nothing came out. He tried again, and again, but he was unable to speak. The Mousers started to beep and flash red lights, and then-_

_BOOOM._

_Suddenly there was blood everywhere._

_Master Splinter was sitting where Leo had stood just a second ago, openly crying._

_“Why did you not do anything?”_

Mikey’s eyes snapped open and he gasped for air. Oh. Another nightmare.

“You would think,” he muttered quietly to his cat sleeping right next to his pillow, “that after seeing the same nightmare four times you would get used to it.” But his racing heart was telling him otherwise.

The youngest of the turtles tried his best to calm himself down. He needed to be quiet. It wasn’t just Klunk and him who slept on the attic, most members of his family were sleeping there as well, and Mikey didn’t want to wake anyone up.

_Okay Mikey_ , he tried to tell himself, _just… chill. You’ve got this, dude._

He knew that the others generally thought that he is the emotional one of the turtles, and while Mikey couldn’t really deny it, he didn’t exactly enjoy it, and this definitely wouldn’t help with his reputation. Getting this emotional over a nightmare? 

_...Okay. It was a pretty bad nightmare_ , he admitted to himself. Based on maybe one of the most traumatic experiences of his life. Anyone else would probably feel upset after one of those as well. Images of what happened that night kept flashing in front of Mikey’s eyes, even if he tried his best to stop them. The weird, smiling and shaking Leo, how he blocked the door, how he seemed so _calm_ when the bomb went off, the aftermath, the sight of Don doing CPR, too far away for Mikey to actually see what was going on, the broken body they carried back with them, which Mikey had tried to not look at…

The familiar, crushing sorrow and fear tried to sneak into Mike.

_This is a normal reaction_ , he reminded himself. _Completely normal. The situation was super bad, but it’s getting better._

But Mikey had never seen his brothers break down like this. Sure, he knew that they were far from okay as well, but he hadn’t seen either of them to show emotions as strongly as he did. The only tears Michelangelo had seen had been shed during times when Don or Raph had thought that no one would notice. But Mikey liked to think that he could read all of his brothers like an open book, so he had noticed.

But they didn’t seem to want to talk about it, so Mike hadn’t pushed.

_If I had pushed Leo, maybe..._

Clearly he hadn’t been able to read Leo correctly lately. He had of course seen that _something_ was off, but like the others, he had had no idea what the reason had actually been. He had tried really hard to get Leo to talk, but it hadn’t worked. But maybe, if he had tried a little harder...

Mikey shook his head. No. There was no use in thinking like that now. What happened, happened. Now he needed to focus on making sure that everything would be okay in the future.

Maybe that was his role in the team, to make sure that everyone was feeling alright. Mikey couldn’t help but sometimes stop and think about it. Raph was the strong one, always wanting to fight, Don was the smart one, he had all his wacky gadgets and ideas, and Leo, well, Leo was the leader, and seemingly better than any of the others. So what was Mikey’s role? To be the funny one?

_I could feel okay with that, if it meant that that cheers up the others. But you know, being actually useful would be cool too._

What useful had he done lately? First he had gotten hurt during the first attack of the Mousers, then again at the Stocktronics building, then he hadn’t be able to do anything to stop Leo, let alone help him when it was really needed, and even now he was just sitting around most of the time, since his leg had been broken again and he could hardly move or do anything.

_Yeah. Been feeling pretty useless lately._

Mikey tried to swallow, but found it hard with a lump in his throat.

Why didn’t he do anything? He probably could have, but he didn’t. He could have listened to Leo and the others, try and focus more during the battles, and maybe he could have been able to keep fighting. Maybe the situation with the Mousers wouldn’t have been that desperate that Leo would have gotten hurt-

Mikey squeezed his eyes shut.

_Nu-uh. I told you, what happened, happened and it can’t be changed, no matter how hard you think about it. You have seen how guilt eats away the others, it’s not a pretty sight, dude. Besides, Leo would never blame any of us._

Maybe he shou-

_Nope! Not gonna go down that road tonight! Leo supports us, always, and would never think like that. Remember the last time you were at Battle Nexus? Leo was the only one to help you out, even with everything that was going on with him. He’s always there when needed. You better start paying back some of that._

He knew that there would be some very serious conversations coming up in the future when Leo finally woke up. _Because he has to wake up, there’s no other way._ Mikey would make sure that Leo made a full mental recovery, he didn’t care how long it would take, but he would be there, always.

Mikey took a couple of deep breaths, finally able to calm himself down. But no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t fall back to sleep. He started to feel frustrated. This was the fourth night in a row. The lack of sleep was starting to affect him during the days, and while the idea of a nap sounded great in the afternoon when he was feeling most exhausted, he knew that it would be better to save it for the night.

But at nights he couldn’t sleep.

He wished that his leg would be okay already. Mike would have loved to go for a short walk, that would have surely helped him to feel sleepy again, but all the trouble of getting out of the bed and moving around with the crutches didn’t feel worth it. So the turtle remained in his bed, staring at the ceiling and used all his determination to keep his thoughts on something pleasant.

It took him over an hour to fall back asleep again. The attic was quiet once again. Not even the usual snores of Raph could be heard.

\---

“Raph, the pancakes are going to burn!”

“No they ain’t! They are gettin’ nice and crispy!”

“They are literally smoking already!”

“So?! Some extra flavor!”

“I don’t want any extra flavor if it means I’ll be eating charcoal!” Donatello was feeling very distressed because of the current state of his breakfast.

“C’mon Donnie, give Raphie a chance!” Mikey joined the conversation. “Who knows, it can be very tasty charcoal!”

Another week had passed since Leo had opened his eyes the first time. He still occasionally did so, but he had remained completely unresponsive. His condition had improved though, since most of the burns had started to heal very nicely along with the open wounds, that had already scarred. Don had even removed the oxygen mask.

The rest of the family had continued their usual habit of eating breakfast together, and this morning it had been Raphael’s turn to cook.

“Ya don’t _have_ to eat ‘em! I’ll gladly take yours,” the cook gnarled. The two other turtles quickly assured Raph that they didn’t mind some crispiness. Master Splinter was calmly drinking his tea, enjoying how normal the situation felt.

In the end, the pancakes weren’t too badly burnt.

\---

Mikey was sitting on his bed in the middle of the night, absentmindedly staring in front of him. He couldn’t sleep again, he had tried for a couple of hours now, but the attempts were going nowhere. So instead, he had given up completely.

That’s when a loud thud could be heard from the floor below.

Mikey was immediately on alert. What was that? An intruder? Why would anyone decide to break into a remote farmhouse in the middle of the night? But that was the only option, there was no one else here, except his sleeping family around him and Leo downsta-

Leo.

“Guys!” Mikey was surprised that no one had been woken up by the thud, but at least they were getting up now, since Mikey was able to hear three dissatisfied grunts. “I heard something from downstairs, and I don’t wanna alarm you but I think it came from Leo’s room. Scratch that, full alarm, I think it came from Leo’s room!”

That got everyone on the move.

Raph practically jumped out of his bed to reach out for his sai, just in case, and ran to the staircase with Splinter and Don right behind him.

“Yeah sure, go ahead, don’t worry about me, I’ll hopefully get there before morning!” Mikey yelled after them, but he understood completely why he had been left behind in this situation. He was just annoyed that he was so much slower than the others with his crutches, but he got out of his bed anyways and hurried after the others.

“What the shell is goin’ on?!” Raph yelled and slammed the door of the guestroom open, but froze immediately.

The bed was empty.

Leonardo was on the floor, groaning quietly.

“My son!” Master Splinter exclaimed, and rushed past Raphael to be by the side of the injured turtle.

“We need to get him back to the bed,” Don hurried to Leo as well, and Raph finally moved from the doorway to inside the room. Don and Master Splinter took a firm hold of Leo’s upper body and legs and lifted him up, while Raphael hovered near them, ready to help if necessary.

“What happened? Is he okay?” Mike had finally made it to the room, and his eyes were focused on Leo’s face, which was crunched in pain.

“I… I’m not sure,” Don admitted while gently laying his brother’s head on the pillow. “I guess he has gained more consciousness, which I think is usually a good thing, tried to move a little and somehow managed to fall on the floor. But I think he’s fine, he’s just… He’s finally feeling the pain. I’ll give him something for that.”

“‘I think usually is a good thing’? What’s that supposed to mean?” Raph glared at Don, who was looking for something to ease Leo’s pain.

“It… there’s always a risk that he might get stuck to the state of consciousness he gains and not recover from it. But this is a step to the better, so I’m pretty sure that-”

“‘Pretty sure’?! Are ya serious?! Why didn’t ya tell us before?!”

“Because of this! I didn’t want you guys to get upset or worry over it, especially when it might not even happen! It’s not like I have any experience on this, I just need to do something and hope for the best!” Don gave Raph a glare before taking a syringe, filling it with some liquid and injecting it to the IV that had surprisingly remained on Leo’s arm when he had fallen to the floor. “I’m doing the best I can.”

“You are doing more than enough, Donatello,” Splinter said and laid his hand on the turtle’s shoulder. “Raphael, apologise to your brother.”

All the anger that had radiated a moment ago from Raphael seemed to disappear as quickly as it had appeared.

“...I’m sorry. I know that ya are doin’ what ya can, I just… Ya know…”

“I know,” Don assured him and gave him a quick smile. “Don’t worry about it.”

The medicine that Don had administered seemed to help rather quickly. The look on Leo’s face calmed down and started to look more sleepy. He was still trying to look around in the room, lazily focusing on the faces of his family. For a moment it looked like he was going to say something, but then he was already falling asleep.

“He’ll be fine, I’m sure of it.”

\---

Mikey was scrolling through the channels on a small tv that had been dragged up to the attic, trying to find something to watch before going to sleep. Don was already in his bed, reading some book he had found, while Master Splinter was doing his evening meditation, although he seemed to meditate most of the time anyway.

Mikey was still surfing the channels when Raph came up the stairs to join them.

“How can it be that there are _all_ these channels, but there’s _nothing_ interesting to watch?” the youngest turtle groaned and threw the remote to his bed. “I should have brought more DVDs from home.”

“Shut up, Mikey, yer just too picky,” Raph said and glanced at the screen. “I mean, this seems fine! It’s- ...oh.”

“What, decided to agree with me for once?”

“No, I… It’s Leo’s favorite movie.”

The comment seemed to get the attention of everyone in the room.

“How do you know that?” Don questioned, putting his book down. Raph shrugged, but kept looking at the tv.

“I dunno, he mentioned it once. Don’t think I’ve ever seen it, but he really seemed to like it.”

All four of them were looking at the screen now. The opening credits were still rolling.

“...We should watch that,” Mikey suggested. No one protested.

They could easily see why Leo would like that movie. And just for a moment, it felt like he was there with them again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter left! Can't believe we've come this far. But about that... Like I mentioned at the end of the last chapter, my schedule during the week has changed, and because of that I can't post the final chapter before the end of the next week. I'm really sorry about that, but I don't simply have enough time to do all the final editing on top of all the other things I need to do. So again, I'm really sorry, especially since the next chapter _is_ the final chapter, but there's nothing else I can do.
> 
> Anyway, thank you for reading, if you feel like giving any kind of feedback, please do so, it would be highly appreciated. I hope to see you in about a week!


	5. Mnemophobia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **A/N:** I'm here to deliver the final chapter! Again, I'm sorry for the delay, I was really busy during the week (in quarantine, can you imagine?) and couldn't publish this sooner. But here it finally is, and I couldn't be happier about it.
> 
> I'm not going to waste your time talking here, I'll say some stuff in the end, but I do have to thank Jay for everything. I said it before, but this fic wouldn't exist without her, in addition to encouraging me to write and publish this, she sort of pushed me to revisit the series in the first place, and it has brought so much joy into my life it's hard to believe. She says that what she has done for me isn't enough for me to feel like I'll forever be in her debt but I feel like I have to disagree. Thank you Jay, you are the best.
> 
> \---
> 
> **WARNING:** Includes some mental health issues. Stay safe everyone.

**Chapter 5 - Mnemophobia**  
_ Fear of memories _

During the following days it was rare to see the bedside of Leonardo empty. Leo woke up several times a day, and even though he wasn’t able to do much, everyone was starting to feel more at ease. Donatello had done tests on Leo’s reactions to different stimuli, and for everyone’s relief had announced that there didn’t seem to be any brain damage. It seemed that all Leo needed now to recover was some more time.

Don had also explained that at this state it was important to interact with Leo as much as possible - talk to him, hold his hands, whatever felt suitable. It would help to activate his brain, and full consciousness would be achieved sooner.

It was hard to tell which one of them occupied the chair next to the bed the most, Master Splinter or Michelangelo. Splinter would be the one to go to the room early in the morning after going outside and picking a small bouquet of flowers which he then placed on the bedside table. He would tell all kinds of stories; ones he had told the turtles when they were little, ones of Master Yoshi, ones about life in general… Anything really, while occasionally stroking Leo’s head. He would also meditate, in hopes of reaching Leonardo on the astral plane, something he hadn’t succeeded in yet even after countless tries.

Michelangelo could sit in the room for hours, just talking about anything that came to his mind - video games, comics, superheros… And when Leo occasionally opened his eyes, Mikey tried his best to get him to say something, but all the efforts failed, Leo was still too out of it. Mikey could see that the older turtle was trying his best, but while it wasn’t quite enough yet, Mikey would just hold his brothers hand and be happy that the other turtle squeezed his hand back.

Everyone was feeling hopeful again.

\---

“I think we are ready to take your cast off, Mikey.”

“Oh _finally_ , it’s been ages already!” Mike eagerly sat down on a chair, while Don sat on the floor with the needed equipment.

“At last, you can contribute to the cleaning of the house in a full manner, Michelangelo.” The smirk that spread across Master Splinter’s face was clearly present in his voice as well.

“...Don, dude, are you _sure_ it can be taken off already, I mean, maybe we should just leave it for a _little_ bit longer, you know, just in case-”

“Quit it, Shell-for-brains,” Raphael lightly smacked Mikey’s head. “Ya ain’t gonna squirm outta this. I have been savin’ some of yer _favorite_ chores for ya to finish, startin’ with that pile of dishes waitin’ in the kitchen.”

Mikey groaned.

\---

Talking. Someone was talking.

What were they saying? Grasping the words felt so hard… 

Maybe he should sleep some more.

His head was hurting.

Scratch that, most of his body was hurting.

He tried to focus on the voice. What was it saying? The Ancient One? Who was that?

Maybe sleeping would be better.

But his head was hurting.

He could open his eyes, just a little, see who was talking. Maybe he should tell them to be more quiet?

And beeping. What was beeping, right next to him? So loud…

His mouth felt dry, uncomfortably so.

The bed was comfortable. Sleeping sounded like a great idea.

But everything hurt.

Someone was holding his hand. So warm. So nice.

Who was talking?

What time was it? What day was it?

Hadn’t he slept enough already?

Oh. He knew that voice. Why did it take him so long to recognise it?

He was hurting.

Maybe he should sleep after all.

He should open his eyes.

And he did.

“Father?” Leo’s voice sounded weird, nothing like his own. 

Why was that?

It took him a while, but Leo was eventually able to focus his eyes on Master Splinter, who had stopped mid-sentence, and was just looking at the turtle. He had a distinct look on his face, but Leo wasn’t quite able to figure out what it was.

“My son… It is good to have you back.”

Back? What an odd answer. Leo hadn’t gone anywhere, had he?

Hadn’t he?

“I…” A coughing fit surprised Leo, and he tried to sit up properly, but the quick motion made him feel dizzy. The coughing got worse.

“Here,” Master Splinter’s hand disappeared just for a moment, and then reappeared with a glass of water, “drink this.”

Leo gladly accepted, and the feeling of liquid running down his throat felt amazing. The water was lukewarm at best, like it had been sitting on a table for hours, but it was still water. The coughing ended, and Leo’s head started to slowly clear up, although it was still aching along with the rest of his body.

What had happened? Why was he in bed? Leo had no recollection of going to sleep. And why was he in pain?

The memories started to flood back. The Mousers. Stocktronics. The fight. How the others had gotten hurt.

The explosion.

Leo turned to face his father just in time to see the rat wipe something out of the corner of his eye.

“I need to get your brothers. They have been eagerly waiting for you to wake as well.”

Master Splinter gently stroke Leo’s arm before he slowly got up from the chair he was sitting on.

“Wait!” Leo croaked. God his voice sounded weird. “Are they… are they okay?” He needed to be sure. If something else had happened to them…

“They are alright. At least physically.”

Leo sighed in relief. Good. He was feeling exhausted already. He leaned back a bit, so that he was half sitting, half resting on his pillows. But he wanted to see his brothers before even considering sleeping again. Master Splinter walked out of the room, and Leo was left alone. He tried to ignore the soreness of his throat and body, as more memories flooded his mind.

So. He hadn’t died.

Of course, dying had never been Leo’s intention. He had been ready to, and honestly had expected it too, but he had done everything for the sole reason of protecting his family. A weird mixture of feelings flashed through his mind. He was happy to be alive, but he was also feeling-

Leo heard quick footsteps right outside the doorway, and looked up from his lap he had been absentmindedly staring.

There they were. His brothers. Everyone looking perfectly fine except for Mikey’s slight limp. Another wave of relief flooded into Leo. They really were alright. He smiled a little.

“Hey guys.”

“Leo! You’re finally awake!” Mikey rushed past everyone else and give his big brother a tight, yet careful hug. “It’s good to have you back, dude…”

“How… how long was I out?” Not more than a couple days, right? Everyone seemed so relieved, it had to be more than a couple hours…

“It’s been a little over a month now,” Don answered and walked to the bed to put his hand on Leo’s shoulder. “You did start opening your eyes on your own almost a week ago, but you weren’t fully conscious yet.”

“...A month?” He had been unconscious for a whole month? It felt absurd… But yet, it seemed to fit the scenario. Master Splinter quietly returned to his previous seat.

“Yeah, ya decided to have a long nap,” Raph said. He was now standing by the end of the bed, arms crossed across his chest. He looked like he was about to say something else, but a short shake of head from Don seemed to stop him from doing so. “...Good to have ya back, Fearless.”

Leo hummed in response. His mind was buzzing. A month? He had been out of commission for a month? And holding his family back at what seemed to be the farmhouse?

“The Mousers? Were they destroyed?” The last thing Leo wanted was to hear that the robots had been roaming around New York this whole time.

“Yeah. Every single one of ‘em.”

“And there hasn’t been any news reports about any more sightings either, so I think that they really are gone now,” Don added.

“Good.” At least he hadn’t failed again. Leo’s eyelids started to feel heavy again, but he tried to fight them. He had been sleeping for a month already. He should stay awake a bit longer. But the others seemed to notice his sleepiness.

“You should get some rest,” Don said softly. “It will make you feel better. Couple of hours at least, and then I’ll come back up here to make sure that you are okay. Deal?”

“...Fine.” Leo really did feel tired.

“I will stay with him for a while,” Master Splinter informed the turtles, as Leo settled down to the bed. Leo hazily thought how nice that was.

Leo was asleep before the door closed behind the three turtles.

\---

“Why couldn’t I ask him why he did it? We’ve been waitin’ for ages already, ‘bout time he told us what’s been goin’ on!” Raph questioned immediately when they got back downstairs.

“Because he just woke up. He needs more time, and it’s not a good idea to bombard him with such heavy questions so soon,” Donnie explained and sat down to the couch. Raph remained standing.

“Ya think he will tell us anything when he finally feels better? Do ya even know Leo? He will start hidin’ stuff from us again! Now’s our chance to get some answers!”

“He was barely awake for ten minutes! Questioning wouldn’t help with his recovery, who knows, it could set it back! He needs more rest.”

“He will get his rest after I get my answers!”

“We all want the answers Raph!” Mikey joined in. “But I’m with Donnie, he should rest more first. He seemed more normal than he has for a long time, maybe he isn’t feeling grumpy anymore and will tell us everything!”

“Oh ya think blowin’ himself up somehow helped with his psyche?” Raph glared at the youngest turtle.

“That’s not what I’m saying!” Mikey looked insulted. “It shouldn’t have ever happened in the first place!”

“Guys, look,” Don interrupted before the fight got any worse, “I know that not knowing is tough. But he’s not ready to answer the questions we want to ask yet. I promise you that we will sit him down and talk as soon as we can, but not now.”

Raph wanted to argue against him, but he also knew that Don knew more about all the medical mumbo jumbo than he did.

“...Fine. But we better get some answers then.”

\---

“Hi April,” Donnie said to the Shell Cell he was holding, smiling.

“ _Hi Don! You sound happy, I’m assuming everything is okay there?_ ”

“Oh, yeah, definitely, everything is perfectly fine. Does Casey happen to be there too? There’s someone that wants to talk with you both.” Don glanced at Leo, who gave him a brief smile.

“ _Yeah, he’s in the other room. What is it?_ ”

“I’m just gonna hand the phone over, hold on a second.” Don didn’t wait to hear April’s response, and instead just handled the phone to Leo.

“Hey April,” the turtle said to the phone. His voice was still very groggy, but at least his throat didn’t feel quite as sore as it did a couple of hours ago.

“ _Leo?! Oh god it’s so good to hear your voice! Casey, Leo’s awake! Leo, how are you feeling?_ ”

Leo could hear Casey stumbling his way towards the phone while he was thinking how to answer.

“Considering all that has happened, I feel pretty okay. I’m still feeling sore and fuzzy, but I’m mostly okay. All thanks to Donnie.” He flashed another quick smile to the other turtle, who was practically beaming now.

“ _How long have ya been up?_ ” Casey asked. Apparently Leo had been put to a speaker.

“Uh… I think I woke up the first time around four hours ago, but then I slept for a while.”

“ _That’s great to hear! I’m sorry we couldn’t be there, we-_ ”

“ _Yeah, we had stuff to do here, we would have stayed man, but-_ ”

“Guys, it’s okay. The others told me already, I completely understand. You even came for a visit a couple of times, I appreciate that and the fact that we could stay here in the first place.”

“ _Hey, that’s what friends are for! It’s nice that there’s some actual use for my Grandma’s place ya know!_ ”

“Yeah, I suppose this is a better healing environment than the sewers.” A yawn escaped from Leo’s mouth.

“ _Oh, you must be exhausted, we should let you get more rest._ ”

“No, it’s fine, I have been sleeping for a month already,” Leo tried to joke, but it didn’t really land well since no one laughed.

“ _We really appreciate you calling. It’s… it’s good to hear from you again._ ” Leo felt like there was something else that April wanted to say, but decided it was better to let it be for now.

“ _Yeah man, can’t wait to see ya either! We’ll try to come there as soon as we can, not sure when that’ll be, but we’ll be there!_ ”

“Sounds great. It was good to hear from you guys too.” Leo smiled a little. “Well, bye for now.”

“ _Bye!_ ”

“ _See ya dude!_ ”

Leo hung up and offered the Shell Cell back to Don.

“Ready for your examination?” the other turtle asked. Leo nodded.

\---

Leo was determined to make a quick recovery. After Don had made sure that there was no permanent damage in Leo’s brains or inner organs, the older turtle had immediately tried to get up from the bed and walk around.

He had been able to take two steps before falling. Leo would have collapsed on the floor if Don hadn’t been right next to him to catch him when it happened.

“It’s been a month since you last moved properly,” Don explained. “You need to take it slow, get your muscles used to moving again. All the stretching we did while you were unconscious should make the process a little bit faster.”

Leo didn’t give up, and only four days later, slowly and with the help of Raph, he was able to join the others for breakfast downstairs. He remained there for the most of the day as the staircase was still a little bit too draining for him.

But while Leo was getting better physically, the others couldn’t help but notice that he was slowly but steadily slipping back to his gloomy state of mind. He talked with them more and kept cracking a smile every now and then, but he also started to be more withdrawn and easily irritated, even frustrated at times, especially when his healing process wasn’t moving on as swiftly as he had hoped.

The conversation needed to happen, rather sooner than later, or it wouldn’t be happening. Probably ever.

\---

“You brought my katanas here, right?” Leo asked one day, when they were all just sitting together downstairs. Seemingly innocent question, but everyone in the room knew that it was way too early for him to go back to training. He still had a cast on his arm, and needed painkillers three times a day to be able to function.

Raph turned to glare at Don, who sighed and nodded. It was time.

“Leo. We need to talk.” Raph was leaning against the wall, eyes locked on Leo. He would finally get the answers he had been craving for.

“About what?” The older turtle was immediately reserved. He had suspected that this conversation was coming, but had still hoped to avoid it.

“About what happened back at the Stocktronics,” Raph said with a challenging tone, crossing his arms across his plastron. “That little stunt ya decided to pull.”

Leo swallowed.

“And what about it? I did what I had to do, it’s over now. And besides, everything turned out just fine.”

“It did, but it might not have. Did you even consider other options before barging in like that?” Don tried to look into Leo’s eyes, but the other turtle was avoiding looking at anyone. “It was such an extreme decision, surely there had to be something else to do at that point!”

Leo’s body language was screaming discomfort and defensiveness.

“There wasn’t! We were injured and outnumbered, we couldn’t have just escaped so the Mousers needed to be destroyed, all at once, meaning the Ultimate Mouser needed to go down. And like you said earlier that day, Don, it had to be destroyed from the inside, but it spit the bomb out, so the mouth had to be forced shut. And that’s what I did.” Leo tried to reach his stern ‘leader-voice’. He didn’t want to hear any arguments, and hoped to finish the conversation as soon as possible.

“Surely we could have kept its mouth shut in some other way! Use rope, or-” Don tried to argue, but was interrupted by Leo, who finally faced him.

“Did anyone have rope with us that day? Or something even stronger, something we could have wrapped around it fast enough before the Mouser ripped it or the bombs went off? I don’t think so. This was the only option in order to make sure that you would get to safety.”

No one missed the fact that Leo hadn’t included himself in those who needed to get to safety. Don felt at loss, and looked around in the room in hopes that someone would know what to say.

“You could have talked to us!” Mikey noted. “We could have thought of something together.”

“We were running out of time, and something _had_ to be done. Would you have let me do it if I had said what I was going to do?”

A heavy silence fell to the room.

“Of course not. We would have never allowed you to do such a thing,” Master Splinter said after a while.

“And that’s why I couldn’t tell you. It was the only option, there was no other.”

“So what happened to the ‘If one of us goes down, we all go down’ thing?” Mikey replied, sounding slightly accusing. “Or does it somehow not include you?”

While Raph, Don and Splinter had no idea what Mikey meant, it clearly had hit Leo, who once again turned his gaze down.

“I… I thought that maybe…” Leo didn’t really know how to answer. But Raph was getting impatient, and took a step forward.

“Ya didn’t think it would affect us in any way, huh?” Raph knew he sounded pissed, but he didn’t care. The point had to get across somehow. “Well guess what, _Fearless_ , it did! We watched you disappear in an _explosion!_ We thought ya were gone at that moment, we had to look for yer body and then fight to get ya back!“ The turtle could see Leo’s body lump a little, but he didn’t even consider stopping now.

“None of us will ever forget it! Mikey’s become an insomniac because of all the nightmares he’s seen, Donnie has been having his flashbacks and panic attacks again, and Master Splinter looks ten years older ‘cause all the worry he has been through, he’s been meditatin’ all the time tryin’ to reach ya! _What did ya expect to happen_?”

All of the looks were focused on Raphael now, but he didn’t care. He just kept his flaming eyes on Leo, feeling like he had finally got out some of his bottled up frustration.

“I… I didn’t think that far,” Leo finally admitted. “I was just focusing on protecting you.”

"Why?" Don asked, adjusting his position so he was sitting on the edge of one of the armchairs. "Why are you so obsessed with that in the first place?"

"I'm not! Any of you would have been ready to do the same."

No one denied that. Splinter cleared his throat.

"The difference is, my son, that while we may have been ready for such sacrifice, you are the only one who did so."

"I am the leader. I would think that to be normal."

"Ya call the way ya been actin' since the Shedder normal?"

Leo felt his heart skip a beat.

"I- Well, yes, but-"

“April told us what you told her,” Mikey interrupted. “You know, back at the lake.”

“...Oh.” Shell. So that’s why April had felt off on the phone. She had revealed his secret. Leo wished he could be anywhere else than on the couch, avoiding looking at anyone once again. “I… I don’t…”

“You know that none of us have ever blamed you for what happened, right?” Mikey looked around in the room. “Like, never even considered it.”

“Not even for a second.”

“Yeah, what’s there even to blame ya for?”

“Leonardo, this burden you have chosen to carry has been completely unnecessary,” Master Splinter said sternly, but Leo still refused to look at anyone. He really didn’t want to talk about it. Not now, not ever. The others wouldn’t understand.

“In that case we have different views on what happened that night,” Leo muttered. But his family wasn’t satisfied with his answer.

“Leo you need to listen to us,” Don said, trying his best to keep his desperation out of his voice. “It was a tough night, I understand that, but nothing that happened was your fault! You need to talk to us, you can’t just keep hiding things like this from us!”

“Yeah!” Mike agreed. “We are here for you bro! You can talk to us about stuff, no matter what it is! But you know, we really can’t help unless you actually _talk_ to us, Donnie hasn’t come up with the technology to read minds yet.”

Leo could feel the four pairs of eyes on him. He was going through his options. He didn’t want to talk, but he knew that since the others now knew about what has been going on with him, they wouldn’t back down, especially his brothers. Would Leo have the energy to keep avoiding the topic?

As the silence continued, Raph let out a frustrated huff.

“I’m startin’ to get really sick of this!” Raph growled. “We finally know why ya have been mopin’ around for months now, but ya still ain’t talkin’, I don’t get it! The thing with Shredder wasn’t even that big of deal, seriously!”

"No,” Leo finally said, quietly. His heart was pounding, he would have to tell them everything. He didn’t have a choice anymore, he couldn’t keep hiding. 

“What happened was my fault. I… I wasn't good enough. I couldn't do anything. You all trusted me, and I failed you. If it weren't for the utroms, we would have all died that day. I could have… Everything could have been lost. It was unforgivable. I couldn't let that happen, ever again."

Raph's tough exterior finally melted away completely.

"Sheesh, Leo, we-"

But Leo wasn't done. The walls he had been building around him came tumbling down, and he continued.

"I needed to get better. But I kept failing, over and over again. You kept getting hurt. I felt so worthless, so helpless. I needed to get better, so I trained and I trained and I tried to train you guys so you would be ready as well, but I couldn't do that either. Another failure.”

Everyone was listening intently. Leo started to shake ever so slightly.

“I hardened myself, focusing only on getting better, but because of that I failed as a brother, as a son, I couldn't do anything right. But I couldn’t be useless anymore, I couldn’t watch my family getting hurt and possibly _die_ , so I tried to perfect my skills, but then there was another failure, and then another, and another, and another, and-”

Leo was shaking violently now, his speech becoming a slurred mess. His eyes were glued to the floor in front of him, clearly seeing something that the others weren’t able to see.

Don jumped to his feet.

“He’s having a panic attack.” The turtle rushed to kneel in front of his brother, trying to lock eyes with him. Mikey was on the move quickly as well, sitting on the couch right next to Leo, reaching to rub his shoulders.

“A panic attack?! It looks nothing like yer panic attacks!” Raph felt slight panic rising inside of him, but he didn’t know what to do, so he just stared at the three other turtles.

“That’s because everyone’s can look different. Leo? Leo, look at me. Take deep breaths. Like this.” Don took a deep breath himself, trying to convey message that wasn’t quite reaching Leo yet.

“I-” Raph wanted to do something, but felt a hand on his forearm.

“Your brothers know what they are doing. Give them the space they need,” Master Splinter said in a voice he hoped sounded calm. He didn’t like this situation at all either, especially after everything they had just heard, but knew that right now, they just needed to stand aside.

It took five minutes for Leo’s shaking to finally calm down, and for his breathing to steady again. But even then, Mikey didn’t stop rubbing Leo’s shoulders.

“...I’m sorry,” the oldest turtle said quietly, “I shouldn’t have let that happen.”

“Nonsense,” Don answered immediately. “It’s perfectly fine, we are here for you. Have you… Have you been having these a lot lately?”

Leo swallowed. He hated the fact that he had lost the control in front of the others like that. But after what just happened, he really couldn’t avoid telling them everything.

“...At least once every couple of weeks, I think. Didn’t really keep track on them.”

“Ever since…?”

“...Yeah.”

“Shell, bro, why didn’t ya ever tell us?” Raph asked.

“I… I don’t know. It just didn’t feel right. It felt like... something I had to do alone. I’m supposed to be the leader, I should be strong enough to handle something like this.”

“I may have assigned you to be the leader of the team,” Master Splinter rose from his seat and walked to sit on the other side of Leo on the couch, “but you are still a team, and more importantly, we are a family. We support each other in dark times such as this, because no one should be left alone with such a heavy burden. It is not weakness to seek help from others, it is only another resource for our strength.”

“But it was completely my fault, so I should have handled it on my own. It was my failure, I couldn’t do anything to save you.”

“If nothing could have been done, then why would it mean that you had failed? Leonardo, you did everything that you could. There is nothing more you, or anyone else could have done. Let go what is already in the past.”

“I…” Leo’s mind was buzzing. He really had done everything he could have. He gave his all that night, but there had been nothing he could have done. Maybe… maybe it hadn’t been his fault. Maybe he hadn’t failed. Maybe-

_You did fail! They almost died because you got injured and couldn’t do anything! And what about the other times? You are still a worthless failure, who-_

No. No, he wasn’t. He was just… just… a little bit lost. And to find himself again, he needed the support of his brothers and father. He could reach out to them, they wouldn’t think he had failed them. They didn’t, they had just told him so.

Right?

_If anything bad happens to them, it’ll still be your fault. Can you live with yourself at that point, knowing that their blood is on your hands? Knowing that maybe if you had done something differently, everything would still be okay?_

“I…” Leo didn’t really know what to say. Splinter’s hand was gently placed on Leo’s arm.

“You have been struggling for a long time, my son. It will take time to heal, but know that we are here to help you.”

“...Thank you. And, and I’m sorry. For everything. For how I have acted lately, and all that you had to go through because of me. I… I know I shouldn’t have done what I did. But that night, I felt like I was back at the spaceship with Shredder, and I couldn’t just… _not_ do something. I was ready to do anything to keep you all safe, and… and I guess I did.”

“It’s okay,” Don said and smiled a bit. “As long as you are feeling better now.”

“And,” Mikey added, “you promise to _never_ do that again!”

Leo managed to smile as well, just a little.

“I’ll do my best.”

Everyone felt like everything that needed to be said, had been said. But something was still missing.

“Group hug time!” Mikey announced. While he wrapped his left arm around Leo, the right one reached for Master Splinter, and made him join the hug as well. The rat soon rested his arm on the shells of Leo and Mikey. Don, still smiling, got up from the floor and joined the hug, but Raph seemed to hesitate. Mikey just smirked at him.

“C’mon Raphie, you know you want to!”

“...Fine.” The hesitation was completely gone by the time his arms were around his family.

“Now isn’t this nice!”

“Shut up Mikey, yer ruinin’ the moment.”

But it was nice.

\---

That night Leo decided that he wanted to sleep at the attic with the rest of his family - he didn’t want to isolate himself anymore. While he was slowly making his bed, Raph was sitting close to Leo, just looking at his older brother, deep in thought.

“Leo… Listen, bro, I gotta tell ya somethin’”. Raph just couldn’t wait any longer, he had to talk with the other turtle or his mind would drive him insane.

“What is it?” Leo threw a blanket on his bed and turned to Raph, who turned his eyes on the floor. The three other members of the family hardly paid any attention to the conversation, focusing on other things instead.

“Back at the Stocktronics, when the explosion happened, we… we really thought that ya were gone, for good. And then, Don and I went to look for ya, and we found ya, but… But ya weren’t breathin’. And Donnie started the CPR, but after a while I… I told him to stop, I thought that it was useless. I gave up. And if Donnie had listened to me, ya would _really_ be gone. But ya started to breathe again. And I just… I’m sorry. I… I understand if ya can’t forgive me.”

There it was. He finally got it out. He could have pretended that he was fine with what he had done, but Raph knew that now that he had gotten his answers, he would have had hard time looking at this brother ever again if he didn’t tell. What would Leo think? Would _he_ never look at Raph the same again? What-

“Raph,” Leo’s voice interrupted Raph’s inner torment, “of course I forgive you.”

Raph’s head shot up. Leo didn’t look mad, if anything, he seemed confused.

“Ya… what?”

“Why wouldn’t I? You did nothing wrong in the first place, there’s nothing for me to forgive!”

“But… Ya could’ve died ‘cause of me!”

“But I didn’t. Look, Raph, I know from what you guys have told me that the... situation was bad and hard for you. I completely understand why you would think that the CPR was useless. It’s fine, no need to feel guilty about it. And actually,” Leo turned to look at the others who had now turned their full attention to the two turtles, “I know you have all been feeling guilty about what happened. And let me tell you, none of you need to feel guilty. Everything that happened was purely because of me, and I… I’m sorry.”

“...Are ya kiddin’ me?” Raph felt stunned. “ _Ya_ tell _us_ not to feel guilty, the one who has been on the worst guilt-trip of the century for the last several months?”

“Well… Well I-”

“Yer such a hypocrite.”

“I’m _not_ a hypocrite, it literally was my fault!”

“You know, I’m with Raph on this one,” Don commented. “You can’t expect us to just let go of it if you are still holding on to your guilt.”

“Yeah! Let us have our guilt!” Mikey attempted to lighten up the mood a little bit. Leo looked slightly frustrated, but just sighed.

“Look, I know I can’t force you, but just know that I’m not blaming you for anything. There’s nothing to feel guilty about.”

“You should listen to yourself as well, Leonardo,” Splinter said. “You speak wise words.”

“I’ll try. I promise.”

Raph rolled his eyes. He would lie if he said he didn’t feel a huge amount of relief after Leo’s answer. But there was something else still bothering him.

“Leo, one more thing… It’s been drivin’ me nuts. Do ya… happen to remember what was the last thing I said to ya before the... explosion happened?”

Leo looked confused again.

“You guys went through last words or something? Does it even matter at this point? Whatever it was, it wasn’t the last thing you said to me.”

“I guess, but… At this point it’s just outta curiosity I suppose, I just wanna know.”

The oldest turtle sat down to his bed, thinking.

“The last thing you said to me back then… I think it was before we even got to the Stocktronics, right? Back when we were at home, making sure we had everything with us. I think… I was making sure that you had listened to the plan, and I said something about you having to follow me, and I was already leaving, but then you muttered-”

“‘I’d follow ya anywhere’,” Raph finished the sentence he suddenly remembered. “I didn’t think ya would even hear me.”

“Aww, I told you it would be something wholesome!” Mikey chimed in.

“Wait, you guys seriously had this conversation?”

“Of course we did! We told you dude, it was looking pretty bad for a while!”

“...I’m sorry I put you guys through that.”

“Sheesh, stop apologizing already! You make me feel like I can’t tell you about stuff, like how I had practically your funeral planned in my head, or that Donnie thought that we should ask Usagi for a visit, just in case, or-”

“Funer… Mikey, hold up now-”

Raph wasn’t really paying attention to what the others were saying, focusing on the calmness that had taken over him after a month of not being able to achieve it. He hadn’t messed up royally. Things were fine.

What a relief.

\---

“Everyone ready?”

“Can I just check one more time? I feel like I forgot a comic somewhere or something!”

“Fine, but this really _is_ the last time.”

Mikey hurried back inside the house to make sure he hadn’t forgotten anything. Everyone else was finishing loading up the Battle Shell. After almost two months at the farmhouse, they were ready to return to New York. Leo was stronger, and had finally been able to take off the cast from his arm, but he had been ordered to sit out the packing, just in case. Instead he was just waiting at the back of the Battle Shell, watching as Don lifted the final bag to the vehicle while Raph and Splinter climbed in. Klunk was asleep on his lap.

After five minutes Mikey returned.

“I found nothing, so we are ready to- No wait! I didn’t check the kitchen cupboards!”

“If ya put somethin’ there then it’s gonna stay there until the next time we come here. Hop on already!” Raph was feeling impatient - he had been missing the city.

“Fine! But if we get back home and I notice that _Justice League_ issue 87 is missing you can be sure that you won’t hear the end of it!” Mikey announced and locked the front door of the house behind him. Raph rolled his eyes.

“Are you sure you are feeling good enough to go home, Leo?” Don worried and buckled his seatbelt behind the wheel. “It wouldn’t have been an issue for us to stay a little bit longer.”

“No, I’m fine, Donnie,” Leo answered. “Besides, I feel like it would be better for me to get back into the action.”

Don turned to look at his brother with a stern look on his face.

“You can’t get into any major fights yet, I thought we agreed on that!”

“We did! What I meant was… Getting back to the normal routine, I guess. Being at home, training, going out for runs… That sort of stuff.”

Don seemed satisfied with the answer, and turned on the engine of the vehicle once Mikey had sat down next to him.

“I do believe that a familiar environment can help one’s recovery greatly,” Master Splinter said. “The farmhouse is very comfortable, but it is not home.”

“Yeah, the homely smell of sewage isn’t there. Had hard time falling asleep without it!” Mikey sighed dramatically.

“It’s not the lair that smells, ya idiot,” Raph noted. “It’s all the surroundin’ areas, we have a proper ventilation.”

“Yeah, well, at least I will get rid of _your _smell since I won’t be sleeping in the same room anymore!”__

__Raph grabbed an empty soda can that had been left to a cupholder and threw it at Mikey, who dodged it easily._ _

__“Could you _please_ not throw stuff around while I’m driving?” Don plead._ _

__“...Sorry Donnie.”_ _

__Leo chuckled quietly. Yeah. It was good to get back home._ _

__\---_ _

__A couple of days later the turtles were out for a mid-night rooftop-run. It was refreshing to run in the familiar environment again, especially when the playfulness that had been gone the last several months had returned - the brothers were all taking part of the game of tag, all laughing and just having fun like nothing had ever been wrong._ _

__Leo was running slightly ahead of the others, enjoying himself more than… how long had it been? He couldn’t remember. He felt relaxed, not focusing on every single move he was making. Just… spending time with his brothers._ _

__He had really missed that. Talking and finally opening up had really helped, more than he would have ever predicted._ _

__“Gotcha!” Mikey yelled as he slapped Don’s shoulder. “Donnie’s it now!”_ _

__Leo grinned and sped up, trying to create some distance between him and the other turtle. If he reached the next rooftop before Don caught up, he would be far enough to not be tagged nex-_ _

__He stopped._ _

__Right in front of him, he could see the headquarters of the Foot-clan._ _

__Leo couldn't help it. The familiar dread flooded right back into him. The fears, the failures, all of it. He could hear the pleas of his brothers, smell the sickening scent of burnt hair from his father. He had failed, he had almost lost them, he had-_ _

__"Leo?"_ _

__Raphael's voice snapped Leo back to reality. Right in front of him were the concerned faces of his brothers._ _

__"I…" Leo took a deep breath. "I'm fine."_ _

__"You don't look fine, dude."_ _

__Leo's first instinct was to deny that anything was wrong. That he was strong and could figure this out on his own. But a voice in his head was telling him otherwise, that he should talk to the others, they had promised to help Leo, and figuring it out on his own hadn't really worked for him so far, had it? But how could he describe how he was feeling?_ _

__Fortunately for him, the fact that his gaze wandered back to the tall building seemed to be enough for the others to understand what was happening. Raph moved himself between Leo and the building so that the eye connection was lost._ _

__"Remember Leo," Don's voice was kind and soft, "it's in the past now. It wasn't your fault."_ _

__"All of us are still here, no need for ya to think about what could've happened," Raph added._ _

__"...I know," Leo said after a short while. "I do. I guess I just need a bit more time to let it really sink in."_ _

__"Take all the time you need! And we'll be cheering for you from the sidelines, covering your shell every step of the way!" Mikey added._ _

__Leo couldn't help but smile._ _

__"Thanks guys. I really appreciate it."_ _

__"Anytime, ain't that what brothers are for?" Raph smirked back._ _

__"Could we just… maybe run the other way though?"_ _

__"Sure thing," Don patted Leo on the shoulder, and then smirked. "You're it!"_ _

__"Hey!" The other turtles had already started running. Leo shook his head, still smiling and chased after them._ _

__He would be fine. He wasn't quite yet._ _

__But he would be._ _

__

__**END** _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There it is. The final chapter is finally out. It's over now.
> 
> I think I'll keep writing though. I feel like I got my spark back, and I have a bunch of other ideas I have to write. I usually write this kind of stuff (although I think the next one will be a much shorter, humor-heavy one which honestly is very rare for me), so if you enjoyed this, maybe give the future ones a shot as well? I also just create a new Tumblr-account under this username in hopes that I would find other people from this fandom there (is the fandom even still active? No idea), so if you feel like talking some time, maybe drop by?
> 
> I feel like I'm starting to ramble, so I'm going to stop now. One final thing. Thank you _so_ much for reading this fic, it means the world to me. I hope you enjoyed it, if you have any final thoughts feel free to leave a comment. But that's it I guess, thank you, hopefully I'll see you in the future!

**Author's Note:**

> I have finished writing this already, so I think I will probably post the next chapter on Friday? Or if the second chapter doesn't appear during the weekend, it _will_ be up on next Tuesday around the evening my time. Meanwhile, please leave feedback if you feel like it! 
> 
> ~~It's my birthday today, please be gentle.~~


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